My Warning Label

Most blogging experts say that in order to become successful within this industry, one's goal is to blog daily, or set a strict schedule so that you don't become lazy or inactive.

I have decided to give this thing a go and see what becomes of it. I've been avoiding this outlet out of fear. I'm not all that good at receiving public criticism, but I've been asked several times why I don't blog anymore. It made me wonder if I should at least try.

Some of the negative posts from last year have been removed, partially out of embarrassment, and partially because when I re-read them they take me to a place of negativity that I really try to stay away from. If you've been diagnosed with depression, you may know how easy it is for one to read a sad blog, have a bad day, fight with your spouse and feel those weird pulls in your stomach start to nag at you.

 I'm not saying that depression is a choice.

 I'm saying. that who one surrounds themselves with is a choice. Your body's natural reaction to immense stress or negativity should never be something to be overwhelmed by, simply aware of.

Ideally, I will be blogging a few times a week. Any constructive criticism is welcome in an email or a Facebook message but cruel, public negativity isn't welcomed here.
It is my goal to be not only entertaining but honest, exploring and shaping my ideas in a public forum. In a way, it holds me accountable.  I can re-read my posts and recognize any changes that need to be made to my perspective or thought patterns.

Please keep in mind that we are each on a journey. We all experience different pitfalls along the way and deal with them in the ways with which we feel we are capable.
All things written here are opinion not fact.
Treat them as such.

Retail Etiquette

These days I can be found floating amidst the aisles of your local office supply retailer. I insure the auto-ordering system has a correct idea of what items we do and do not have in stock. If we don't have an item anymore, I tell our computer system where it went. If the item you're looking for isn't in stock, its ultimately my fault barring warehouse complications.   At Wal-Mart my job was done by multiple departments ie: receiving, claims, inventory, stockers. 30+ people.
Our store is a significantly smaller scale, so.. *flex*...

Our Company is big on customer service and doesn't have an after hours stocking team, so I spend a lot of time on the floor, offering assistance to customers. Until working for my company I had no idea that if I were to go into a store looking for a blue 2in binder, I could be greeted with 4-5 variations of the exact same thing.

Standard
Standard with Label space
Standard with Laminated pocket on the sides
Heavy duty-standard
Heavy duty with pockets
Better Binder- rubber lined binder

With so many choices, many of the folks in our little country city are bewildered and find me, stocking blue Uniball gel rollerball pens with stylus- no these are the one's without the stylus sorry.. damnit now I have to do it all over. Their bewilderment plain on their face, I say with a smile, "Hello! Is there anything I can help you find?"

Some are reasonable and simply reply, "I can't figure out the difference between these..."
Some are perky and make a joke about their age and society moving forward without them.
Some are angry. They've found their item but we're out of stock and want to know why I-personally threw away their cable they decided to purchase at an office supply store instead of Best Buy.
Some blame their confusion on the company. "You people" have changed the store around and now they can't find anything.

A majority of the time, I respond with an empathetic remorse, mirroring their own disdain and expressing my frustration with the circumstances and offer to solve their problem.

Although, occasionally the initial distain and remorse gets old. This customer wants me to FIND them their product. I find it online and explain that the shipping is staying 4-5 business days but the shipping will be free and everything should be dandy.

Everything is not dandy.
The customer then wants to know why on earth anyone would make him wait 4-5 business days. At this point they're interrupting my every remorseful suggestion. He "I ain't... don't wanna" go to Wal-Mart or Best Buy. They want their cord NOW, why won't I make it go faster? Didn't find it at the one store he looked at and now we don't have it either.
I make a light hearted joke now that everyone's out to get him today, huh?
He didn't like that.
My supervisor, who had been present for the entire conversation,  pulled me aside later and said, "Sarah, we need to talk about earlier.."
I apologized and said I knew what I had done wrong and it was unprofessional.
He stopped me mid-sentence and said, "No, Your mistake was assuming that he had a sense of humor."

I think I live that way. I assume that everyone has good vibes. When they're poop heads I'm deeply bothered and must analyze it vocally in detail. Why would someone be so awful? There has to be a reason. Maybe, some folks are just having a bad day.
Maybe some folks are just jerks.
Here's to not being a jerk and trying to spread positive juju.
xoxo
 



About the Happy

Everyone has that family member, or in my case, multiple family members that take your life and compartmentalizes it for comprehension at holiday gatherings. Questions like, "So how is school?" "Are you and Andy planning on getting married?" "How is your relationship with the Lord?"

This holiday season I was pleasantly surprised that most were so busy chasing kids and grandchildren that no one had time to ask me about my life. Well, except my Aunt Akari and to be completely honest, I've been thinking about our conversation ever since.

We were discussing my mother's side of the family and how it tends to choose impractical and often, useless college majors that make little money.

 "You can say that I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one..."

It's the plague of our family. Music majors, artists, film majors.. and I wanted to major in anthropology. I've always found linguistic anthropology to be fascinating... but as I mentioned before.. ever so impractical.

My uncle mentioned that he and Akari had read this blog and thought that I was quite talented... except, in the words of Akari "It need to be a little happier... Why is so sad?"

So I decided to write a blog about the happy. Things are really, really good.

I had a birth control implant put in my arm a few months ago and have completely gone off of all anti-depressants. I've been off of them for 6+ months and I'm happy. I'm back on my ADHD meds now and I'm productive. I feel much more balanced this time around. I'm so grateful for the patient services department at my doctors office. She suggested the birth control to have a consistent stream of hormones to balance out the severe hormonal fluctuations. It has worked and I know Andy and I are both really happy.

Andy is really happy at work. His back has been bothering him but that man is such a hard worker. He's a great dad. Spends time with the boys when we can get them and Augie can't wait to see him at night when he gets home. He works late a lot but he has to and honestly, he rarely complains. I'm a very lucky girl to have found such a kind, hard working and patient man.

Augie is speaking a lot more now. Typically using single words to describe what he wants. "Juice.. Eat.. Potty.."  Rather similar to Andy in that way. (HA) Sigh.. men. He's been going to a great sitter who has a bunch of kids his age. LOVES getting up to go over there in the mornings. "Mah Bet!!!(Maribeth)" He's 2 now. Developing an opinion about everything. He get it from his mama. ;)

Haddie started Kindergarten in VA with her dad. She and I talk a few times a week via Facetime. Augie LOVES talking to her. They giggle and laugh the entire time. She's doing so well with her reading. She sees my mom about once a week and my grandmother takes her to church on most Wednesday nights. I really appreciate their involvement. She's happier there. We see her every 2 weeks or so. I miss her but it's best. I'm proud of my baby girl.

Cole's team in baseball won the tournament this summer and his football team won the championship this fall. He loves sports and wants to play basketball this winter :) Can I just say, what a sweet kid? He's not only helpful and patient with Haddie but he plays with Augie. Full of tenacity, and he's hilarious. Cole loved riding the 4-wheeler with Dad and was so much fun this weekend for Thanksgiving. Love him.

Cary is in boy scouts and seems to really enjoy it. I met the leaders recently and they seem to be really kind and accepting people. Cary LOVES video games and declared this weekend that he's going to work with computers when he gets older. He's a lot like Sam sometimes. A weird mix of Sam and Andy. It's endearing.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. The boys loved playing with Leo and Emmie in Statesville. The ride to VA was a bit long but worth it. Mom had built them a "tree-house" and gotten bikes, and a video game system for them to play with. Dad was all over the house playing with them, taking them on four-wheeler rides, going to the river. We had a big party for Augie's second birthday and mom played a trick on the kids by putting dog treats in the pinata. I believe Cary's response was, "Well that's crap..." We had candy waiting inside ;)

Life is good and stable. I'm happier than I've been in a long time.
Thanks for caring everyone. I hope you're well.

Vulnerability

One of my lamest qualities is that I DVR Criminal Minds, a television show about FBI Behavioral Analysts and profilers. They address a lot of psychology and I find it fascinating.

Today they featured a quote by one of my favorite authors of all time, Madeleine L'Engle. 

"When we were children, we used to think that when we we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable."

Vulnerability is everywhere. As adults we have made strides to harden ourselves. Vulnerability comes from genuinely feeling. Children are a prime example. They are sensitive. Their bodies may be tough, but their hearts are breakable. 

My biggest area of vulnerability is trust. I do not trust individuals to genuinely care. I assume that each person has maintained a connection with me based on some level of convenience for them. I like to be needed. It means that people don't leave. My biggest fear is being useless and alone.

It all sounds silly and over dramatic when I put it like that. Putting words to genuine emotion usually does. If you think about it, you can probably tell what your spouse's or parent's areas of vulnerability are. How intensely they react when those buttons are pushed. Negative reactions based on fear of vulnerability. 

Something that we must realize is, we are all vulnerable. It is human nature. Some take medications to treat their fear of vulnerability. Some get in shape so they can fight off their rapist every single day. Some always have the newest cars, the best houses so they can make sure their children never have to suffer with the embarrassment they did. Some look at the world and just feel overwhelmed. "I am only one person," they say to themselves, "How do I protect the ones I love from this pain?" 

The answer? We can't. We can try and fight. Shield. Control. Make smart choices. Beat everyone out of our lives except who we deem as "safe".. but it doesn't work. To live this way is to perpetuate our fears. We keep them in front of us. We make ourselves miserable. Ulcers.. anxiety attacks.. separation from the world... but all of that doesn't work! We still experience pain. We are all still vulnerable. 

"The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it,  or to escape what is bad in it.... but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."

-Wendell Berry

As a mother, many of my decisions have been based on a fear of having my children experience what I have. I scare myself. I don't want them to be broken by me, but that fear does almost as much damage. I have to choose daily to admit my lack of perfection, to admit my vulnerability and to show love and compassion to my children. To help them up when they fall, even though I told them 4 times to NOT JUMP ON MY BED.... I hug them and I kiss their bruises. 

Admitting vulnerability means that you're free to love. 

The opposite of love is fear. 

The opposite of happiness is fear.

The opposite of living is dying.

Don't be afraid. Accept your flaws. 

Do your best to improve upon them, and live just live. 

Life in abundance.

"Momma!"

"Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come more effective action." -Peter Drucker

The house is growing quiet again. 

After a weekend filled with love, laughter, some crying aaaand very possibly some tempter tantrums... it's quiet.  Although I relish my quiet time, having the kids around makes me feel important. More than that though, I'm able to love them so completely. I can make them smile when I make food they enjoy.. or just play soccer outside. When they find a new shirt that I bought... or just to offer warm morning cuddles. Andy turned to me today and said.. "Thanks for caring about our family, Sarah.." and gave me a kiss. I do. I really really do. 

Sometimes I get caught up in myself.

I know. 

I'm making vast strides to change that.

I don't think one is supposed to admit these things in our society. Admitting fault makes a person vulnerable to critique. Even in the church, one can admit some things... but not all things. All of this opaque or faux stability not only hurts the person holding it in, but it also hurts those around them who could find peace.. knowing they're not alone in the world. 

I started this blog as a story about our search for a home. It has become a letter of my heart. I plan on continuing into a sequel. A 2 dvd package. The happily ever after. It's dangerous, this thing I'm doing. Scary. Although I have been working some, I will try my best to accurately tell this tale. I hope you all join me for the ride. I hope each of you know that respectful transparency is something I appreciate whole heartedly. Disrespectful transparency sometimes must be tolerated because sometimes the harsh truth is needed. 

The ability to maintain complete honesty as opposed to idealized reality is the mark of a true friendship.

Well friends, it's time to take Haddie to see her daddy. I hope y'all come visit ;)

xoxo

Sarah

Chick-fil-a, Chex, and Sylvia Plath

I've taken to Sylvia Plath of late. She writes with a depth of spirit that is rare. Almost everything she writes impacts the "tuned in" individual. She writes:

"For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn.” 

It's as if everything she writes is a revelation. "Yes! Someone finally put words to that emotion!" 

I have a friend who many of you know. He works for a large charity organization and writes a blog about the confusion that exists within the Church today. He tries to make sense of it all and help others to do the same. I appreciate this friend and his wife. Their drive to put action behind their words is... Christ-like. 

My friend likes to use the word "marginalized" a lot. It's the smart people word for people who do not accurately conform to societal expectations. People who don't fit in. Whatever the "norm" may be, these people are not it. He wrote a blog once about the Chick-fil-a/Oreo/Homosexuality debacle a few years back. I think he received more response than he had expected. He responded to each with respect, despite the incredibly long Facebook threads. I admire this man. Someone back home, buy him a box of Chex Cereal and a gallon of whole milk for me. ;)

A beautiful girl I know cheated on her husband. Her circumstances were not unique but she has become such a beautiful person despite these choices she made. Her children are golden. Her marriage is human, but operating comfortably. Still, she is marginalized.  Her mistakes follow her daily. I've witnessed her being the one everyone is exasperated with. Sure.. she's always late.. but she's probably helping someone in need, or loving her children. 

I wish I were more like this woman who cheated on her husband. Sometimes, she's so beautiful and fierce she makes me uncomfortable, but then she smiles and you can tell she's 100% full of love and acceptance. 

Who are these people in your life?

The people who exist outside of your comfort zone. 

The issue is you. You don't like them because they make you uncomfortable. 

Does that not then, make their marginalization your problem? Not theirs?

Some of us live our lives on display. Believe it or not, I do not like to be the center of attention (I have too many flaws-- obviously) but I do not believe in conformity for conformity's sake. It is difficult for me to be still and quiet in the face of what seems to be injustice. By marginalizing one another, we are defining each other by our life circumstances and not by our character. We are at a loss, my friends!

I hope you all can come over for dinner sometime ;) I'll be posting pictures of our renovations soon!

xoxo

Sarah

Salutations

Hello Friends,

Hello People who aren't my friends,

Hello Random reader who could be my friend,

Let's recap.

No house.

Live with Andy's Parents.

Tubal litigation

Nervous breakdown.

PMDD diagnosis. Who knew?

Treatment.

Stabilization.

Realization that I'm becoming one of those people with a list of diseases. 

Plus side? I'm really lucky because there are treatments for all of them and for the last month I have been more stable and happy than I have been in a long time.

Andy has been... amazing. It is as if this situation has turned on some light bulbs for both of us. It's hard not to see it as a blessing. He has developed a determination to be a stable father and husband. He wants us to spend time as a family. We went to Dan Nicholas last weekend with some friends. It was so fantastic. He has also been seeing a therapist twice a month to help to work through that stuff we all have to deal with. Some of us can work it out on our own, and some need a little assistance. Andy was one of the best choices I ever made. I have serious respect for his work ethic and determination. I'll stop I'll stop! Sorry, it's hard not to gush.

We've signed a lease for a rental home! My mom told me that I could make anything look like it was out of an HGTV special (As my darling friend Katie would say, "Ain't she sweeeeeet?") and although I don't think that is entirely accurate, I've decided to give it my best shot. I have painted the kitchen cabinets teal and the walls yellow. My bathroom is orange, my couch is bright red. I'm filling my new home with hope and happy colors. Warmth, comfort and low stress is the goal. This will mean organization... because it's not a huge house.. but there are a few pluses. Specifically the school system. It's in Jamestown which is one of the best areas in Guilford County.

Augie (16 mo) is running around like a crazy kid these days. I have dubbed him the Minister of Silly Walks because he wants to go faster than his short little legs will take him... and tends to waddle. He says, "Hey!", "Daa-deee", "Ma!" and various other grunts. He knows where his belly button is and thinks his nose is his mouth. He likes to destroy things I clean. He likes peanut butter and jelly and if he's ever fussy in the car, I have to play Ellie Goulding and he'll just start dancing. He sings and dances to his own little tune.. "Yeah yeah yeah yeah...."I love that kid.

Every time I talk to Haddie she sounds so happy. She has been staying with my mom and grandmother a few times a week and from what I understand, she is going back to her old daycare for a little while until Kindergarten. She has become incredibly articulate and wants to understand how everything works. I see so much potential in that child. She even wrote her first song with my grandmother the other day. (My little genius)

Cary (7) is in that in between stage.. between little boy and preteen. He still loves to cuddle on the couch and watch movies... but he also loves to play his dad in put put. He gets on the ground and shoots the golf ball like he's shooting pool. He always has an interesting perspective on the world. I hate to correct him on technically inaccurate information sometimes because I love how out of the box he thinks. He loves to draw and he loves music. He is playing baseball this year, which he can't quite decide how he feels about. On one hand, he wants to be just like his big brother and on the other, he hits foul balls that smack him square in the eye.-- No lie.. but he still persevered and continued to hit. I can't wait to see how he develops.

Cole (10... going on 25) is so freaking cool. He's incredibly smart and notices everything. We have so much fun together. The other night, when Cary didn't eat his dinner, just Cole and I went to Coldstone and had a really good time. He tells me stories about his life, the things he loves and the people he loves and I rarely want the car rides to end. He's a sports nut. Andy told him he may want to consider other options just in case something happens and sports as a career don't work out. Cole's eyes may as well have read "Does Not Compute". He's driven, and stubborn and strong. Every once in a while you can see his sweet little boy side and it's like you fall in love all over again.

I'm exhausted but I wanted to write this to say,

  "He who has a 'why' to live, can bear almost any 'how'.." Friedrich Nietzsche

Life can stack stone after stone on your back but eventually they erode and peace fills their cracks. You are not alone in this world. That thing that is plaguing your mind, someone else is plagued too. No one has to wear the facade of "got it all together" anymore. Take the things that make you different and embrace them. Welcome them like old friends and refurbish them, making them useful.

All my love
xoxo
Sarah