A little bit of TMI.... don't read if you're... not into visuals.

Took a pregnancy test about a month ago. 

It said I was not pregnant and so, somewhat relieved,  I continued to live life as usual.

Andy and I were in the shower the other night. (showering pervs... we can catch up on life and get clean at the same time) I was washing my hair when Andy said, "Babe?"

The bottom of the shower was a dark red. It was everywhere. 

I hadn't had much pain because I had a random tooth pulled the other day.. you know.. happens to everyone right?... and have been taking prescription pain medication as needed. 

I didn't carry this creation to 39 weeks like my sweet, heartbroken, cousin Rachael. 

I didn't hug and kiss Andy over a plus sign on a urine stained piece of plastic. 

I didn't want anymore children. I'm rather selfish like that. I want some "me" time. 

Why am I so disconcerted? 

I think it is because I can feel Andy holding my hand as I'm pushing, 

whispering in my ear how beautiful I am. 

 I can see diapers and snuggles and tiny fingers. 

I smell baby skin and feel its softness against my cheek. 

I can feel the warmth in my heart, meeting the eyes of a new human. 

Feeling them against my chest, it's almost as if their energy is flowing into my body.

We are one, but we're separate. 

Andy and Eric took the kids to the Parade so I could rest. 

I think I'm going to take a nap before this family night and dream of sweet babies.

Existentialism .. Part I and Part II

Like usual, I'm supposed to be doing homework but I'm not. I'm kinda distracted.

Part 1 Why Andy Will Most Likely Have to File For Bankruptcy 

Andy's ex-wife has decided that, because she does not feel that she can trust Andy to pay the payments and essentially not do the same thing to her that she is currently doing to him, she would like to foreclose on the home. This "calculated risk" could cost us anywhere from 10-50k in losses depending on how much U.S. Bank is capable of selling it for. Everyone say a prayer. 

Well... what do I do now? We borrowed money to get into the home we were purchasing. Now that money is gone to Quicken and we won't be getting it back. My kids aren't sleeping well. I walk around my life like a zombie. School. Work. Sleep. 

I know this isn't the end of the world but I feel that my hope has been cut away from me with a knife... slowly and deliberately. Tonight as we talked, the nastiness that oozed from everyone made me ill... I almost got sick on her front porch. The utter lack of respect for everyone involved on everyone's part broke my heart. 

I felt like I was watching a movie... a movie where I essentially set Andy up to be insulted for no resolution and for no purpose other than clarification that he is.. essentially a piece of shit. The sheer idiocy of this situation makes me ill. 

Part II Pure Romance

I sell lubricants, lotions, lingerie and bedroom accessories and I'm damn proud of it.

Do I embarrass you?

The bible has a lot more kinky porn than anything Pure Romance has in it's books. 

 Do you value yourself and your sexual satisfaction? 

You should. It doesn't just exist to procreate.

 Marriages fall apart every day because of sex. Coming home every night to a partner who doesn't want you doesn't really make a man (or woman) want to stick around. Women need to be enabled and empowered.. and men need to feel safe in their relationships. I do both.

 I educate women who are confused about their private issues and act as a confidant for those with no idea who to talk to. I help them communicate their needs. I help them fight for the health of their relationship. Insult me under your breath if you want to, but I know that what I'm doing is something I can be proud of. Something that I'd willingly tell my grandma about.

God created sex. Thank you God! Pure Romance.... God's gift to relationships ;) 

You could sit with a few of your close friends, learn about new products and not have to leave your house. Everyone is different and because Pure Romance is incredibly passionate about respecting each individual's needs. 

We sell shave gel people. 

We sell vaginal dilators so it won't hurt you anymore.

We sell stimulants so you will not only want your husband,

but you'll enjoy it. 

We sell toys because sometimes it takes self-exploration to find out what you enjoy. 

We sell lubricants because everyone should use a lubricant. 

It prevents tearing and scar tissue. 

No one is born knowing everything about sex. 

You shouldn't have to watch porn to find out what you like.

I'm proud of what I do. I am trustworthy and hardworking. I love my family and I love my partner.  I don't want to sell kitchenware. I don't want to sell makeup. 

I want to help people with one of their most private struggles. 

I need to do some homework. 

I need to go sell some lube. 

Hey... y'all want some?

The Boiling Point

In case ya'll haven't figured it out, this ain't Sarah. This is Andy. I think that you should get a list of things that you should expect from my writing, and some things you should not expect. You should not expect a lot of eloquence from me, just not who I am. You should expect more explicitness. In general, my writing is not as good as Sarah's. I apologize in advance.

So, ya'll already know that we are not getting the house we wanted on Denny Street in High Point. Whereas Sarah gets sad at this fact, I have a very different emotion. If emotions had color....it would be red. I'm not talking about the lovey-dovey red either. For my part, buying that house, or trying to buy that house as it turns out, was without a doubt the most financially responsible thing that I have ever tried to do. Not only was it only $50,000, not only was it the right size for my family, not only was it endowed with a nice sized yard for mein Hund to run around and poop in, it was also an investment. It was an investment that I was looking to pay off in at least 10 years. I can tell you why in three words: High Point University. This college is expanding, and it's high dollar, AND its like literally right up the street as you can see in the map.

If this map doesn't enlarge when I'm done, here's the skinny:
the arrow on the left is where the house is. The arrow on the
right is the college. The arrow in the middle is a piece of land
the college is getting ready to develop. See where I'm going
here?

Even if they did not eventually expand more in that direction and offer to buy us out, hopefully for a larger sum than what we paid for the house, the uber-low price ensured a way early pay off. With that house paid off we could have rented it to rich college kids and basically had another income!!! Buuuuut.....water under the bridge I guess. Or as ole Clayton Beahn says "might as well try to put toothpaste back in the tube." Doesn't make me any less angry though. 

Soooooo.....limbo.......otherwise known as my parents place. God bless their souls. It's ok and really close to work, but we need our space, and they need theirs. I guess that families of yester-century used to live like this, and I'm all for having all my family under one roof where I can help them, they can help me, we can all help each other, but not in a 3 bedroom apartment. So we looked around for rentals in the area. We found one that was just freaking awesome but with one drawback: location. North of Greensboro. Too far away from work and everything that we want to be close to. This is where Sarah shows her true awesomeness.....with a little cajoling on my part. I started talking about the house that my ex-wife lived in. Good school for Haddie, close to her (Sarah) friends, the boys have friends in the neighborhood, I hardly lived in it with my ex-wife (at the most I stayed there for 1.5 weeks at a time), it'll save my credit, blah, blah, blah. She has agreed to, maybe not happily, but not too angrily either move into that house....and make it her own. Sounds too good to be true for me right? Well, it has conditions, none of which Sarah is demanding. First, the mortgage company is going to have to modify the loan to a payment we can afford. $1100 a month ain't gonna cut the cheese here. Second, and this is one I did not really see coming because of previous conversations, I have to convince my ex. Previously, when we were in the Denny Street home buying process, she suggested that we just move into the house in Thomasville. OF course we said no because we were of the impression that we were going to get a house, and what self respecting woman wants to live in her husband's ex-wife's house? Now that that deal has fallen through, after considering options, we have decided to do just that. Speaking of the Denny House falling through, is it just coincidence that my ex decides to quit making mortgage payments when we are in the middle of a home search/buying? I have my opinions, but I'll let you decide. She says it is indeed coincidence. Anywho....now she says that she doesn't want us to move into it unless we can get her name off of it because she does not want to be tied to me anymore. She told me, and I quote, "I would rather foreclose on that house and ruin both of our credit scores, than for my name to still be on it with you living in it." End f@#king quote. 

I know Mr. President, it doesn't make sense
to me either.

To top that, I submitted a work out package with the mortgage company on the 23rd of October. I have called my assigned "Relationship Manager" damn near every single day since then. He has yet to answer the phone. I leave messages asking that he call, or at least email, me. To no avail. Do these people want money or not?!?!?!? 

Andy gets angry.

Somethings I refuse to do:

1. Move my family into this house, and start paying what we can afford, before I have some reassurance that they're not just going to foreclose on it. Not that my ex will let me anyways.
2. Have them take my ex-wife's name off of the mortgage before I find out if they are going to make it to where I can afford it. If it goes under with my name on it, her's will be right there beside mine. 
3. Make any payment on a house that I am not living in and which default I'm not morally responsible for. 

Yes, I know I'm LEGALLY responsible. But dammit, There's principalities involved here Smokey!

So tomorrow I will call the mortgage company, again. And I'll probably have to leave another voice mail, again. But know this, every time I call them I will get a little more belligerent until I get some sort of result. Oh, and just so ya'll know, if you call my phone...you will be recorded. I have an app. I could say that it is for quality assurance and training purposes if that makes you feel better; but let's face it, it's for evidence. After dealing with these mortgage companies I want to be able to prove what I was told.

So there ya have it folks. There's an update from my perspective. Hopefully it'll be us that lets you know what happens next and not a story on the news of some perfectly normal couple suddenly breaking bad on some bankers!! (just kidding, maybe ;-) )

When you're worried and you can't sleep.. just count your blessings instead of sheep..

I haven't blogged because my life is in limbo.
I don't like limbo.
I like definite.
Dependency is beginning to eat at me.

but.... I've got to say. I've got it so good. 

So.. instead of whining about the endless amounts of stress eating at me.. I'm going to count my blessings. I have them in abundance.

1) I had the guts to speak to the Quicken Representative intelligently, and with respect letting him know that I thought he was full of crap... without actually saying that. It got me nowhere. They're not giving us our money but I got it off of my chest.

2) My relationship with my step-kids is improving. I may not be married to their father but they actually seek me out to talk to me. I have not seen a line between Cole and Cary and my own kids for some time now. They're treated no differently, sometimes to their dismay :P
I don't want to be their mother, I just hope that I get to enrich their lives as much as they have mine.

3) I have in-laws who, when told that we were researching rental homes, wanted to know what they had done to offend us and why we would want to move out. I had to let them know that I think they're fantastic. I just need some personal space.

4) Andy called US Bank and is trying to figure something out with the home that is currently going into foreclosure. Although it would be a very large hit to my pride, if they can give us a reasonable mortgage payment to keep the home afloat.. I might just consider living there.

My problem is not just that it was his home with his ex-wife. That's just an unfortunate issue. It's nothing I was looking for in a home. Cost efficient. No. Older home with good structural integrity that we could make our own? No. Close to anything? No. In Winston, Greensboro or High Point? No. It's in Davidson County. The one place I do not want to live.

BUT.. saving Andy's credit is imperative. There is a fantastic elementary school moments from the house.. and if she would allow it-- his ex-wife could keep the boys enrolled at Hasty through the use of our address. It isn't broken down, beaten up or completely gutted. It needs simple improvements. There  is a spacious front and back yard and it's close to some of the friends that I have made recently.

This home specifically is not what I want but if it will establish stability and roots for my children, I will not allow my personal preferences or frustrations deter me from that.

5) My family. Andy and the kids. The dogs. I am so very blessed.

6) Access to a significant amount of employment opportunities within a 10-15 mile radius. If I need to get a job to make this work, I'll just have to get a job and thankfully there are plenty to choose from in the area.

7) My education. College has established a self-esteem in regards to my intelligence that I have never had before. I can see myself getting a masters degree. Success feels attainable. Hope feels good.

8) Haddie's pre-k is more than we could have asked for. They are respectful and attentive. They treat Haddie with the love and respect she deserves while educating her efficiently. She is very excited to leave the house every day and can already count to 10 in Spanish. ha ha.

9) Friends.  A friend and I established a Mom's Playgroup for the Triad. We've got 75 members and it's still growing. We hosted a meet and greet at her home and had around 15 children! Haddie is making friends, Andy has met some people through work and I have found a few very special individuals that I can trust and desire to spend time with regularly.

10) Peace. I know I'm supposed to be here. How it's going to pan out is a mystery but I suppose that's just part of the ride.

xoxo
Sarah

The Fighter.. Dancing Through The Fire

Stop judging me for using a Katy Perry lyric as my title. 

I see that look on your face.

That song is my jam! I even do the running man. 

You're missing out with me being so far away.

We're not getting the house. We've pulled every random idea out of our rear ends and nothing. Notta. Not one single thing worked. 

I received a phone call this evening from John, the sellers realtor. I swear that's one of the nicest men on the planet. He left me a voicemail expressing his condolences and told me that he thought we deserved such a great house. I had held it together pretty well until then.

 I had just gotten back from grocery shopping and right there in the middle of my in-laws kitchen, putting away Gerber Sweet Potatoes, I started bawling. 

Someone told me not to get my hopes up with houses but me? I'm too "smart" to heed warnings. I not only had my hopes tied up in it, I had around $1500. *insert curse words*
If Quicken doesn't compensate us for our losses, I have every intention of taking them to small claims court. 

We uprooted our family, we moved in with our in-laws, and we allowed our kids to dream with us. I think that's the most heartbreaking part. It's also the part that makes me more determined to create real stability for them. 

Haddie started her preschool today and over my dead body is she doing anything else, Monday-Friday from 9-1 except for learning her little heart out and developing relationships. I may be over exaggerating a bit, but you get the picture. That smile is too precious to yank away again.

We lost the house because Andy's ex-wife has stopped making payments on the home that the divorce decree stated she was legally supposed to assume. 

Andy's credit has taken a nosedive and my dream of stability has gone up in flames.

Because she refuses to do so, we have got to take her to court to have her assume the loan and have it removed from Andy's financial history before it forecloses and we're stuck with no house for 7 years. Also, if the boys catch wind of anything that's going on, we would have to explain to them why grownups can't make grownup decisions. It all makes me ill.

In the event that find out, how do you tell your kids that in order to take care of the entire family, you have to make decisions that could negatively effect their mother?

I am...... .. ...
I don't know. For now... 
I think I'll sing some les Miserables...

At the end of the day you're another day older...
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor. 
It's a struggle. It's a war. 
And there's nothing that anyone's giving.
One more day standing about what is it for?

Ok good. I've sufficiently wallowed.
I think it's probably time that I turned that Katy Perry back on.
 No one wants to hear me try to sing "I Dreamed A Dream."
I know we'll figure something out. We're going to make this work and become stronger people because of it... 
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar...

Can I Get A What! What!?

I know I know I know!

You're not supposed to get your hopes up but we have had a breakthrough!

I think this deserves a reserved fist pump from the audience. 

Here are some examples:

So I bet you're wondering what you're celebrating.

Tonight I grabbed Quicken Loans by the... ... ... collar and requested some firm numbers and information on what was going to be happening with this house. My poor stomach can't handle anymore ulcers and you all can't handle anymore posts about my mental health. 

We have decided to go with an FHA loan which means more money on the table at closing... which means we'll be broke for a while but we'll have a house with a monthly mortgage payment of $375 a month. The town home we were prepared to rent was almost double that. 

At first we were unsure about our ability to afford an FHA due to the fact that it requires 10% at closing but our seller agreed to pay 1500, we have already paid a $500 earnest money deposit and $400 for an appraisal. Also the guy from Quicken, after hearing my, we'll call it "patriarchal mimicry", offered us lender credits for closing. I feel like flexing. 

Benefits of the FHA loan:

• We won't have to wait for 30 days of pay stubs to close!
• We won't have to live with my poor in-laws for longer than a month!
• My mother in law won't have to spend enough time with me to eventually hate me!!!... too much.

She already tells me I'm a 'northerner' because I leave the peels on my mashed potatoes and fry my fresh green beans in soy sauce instead of making boiled mashed fatback beans... but she loves me... for now.

• I can sign Haddie up for a definite school as soon as we move and she can assimilate sooner. 
• I'm still going to apply for jobs, but I'm not nearly as anxious about finding one. I'm not experienced in anything except coffee,retail and non-profits that serve coffee.
• I just wanted to add another dot... ok better

Celebrate with me!! Give me a fist pump! 

(Post pictures on our Facebook if you're not a chicken)

Night Y'all xoxo

Gooses, Geeses, I Want A Goose That Lays Gold Eggs For Easter...AKA My Search for Church.

I spent some time hanging out with a good friend this evening. 

When she and I say we're going to "hang out for a while.." we actually mean six hours of analyzing the way the world works around us and what it means. Sue me. 

She was a mentor of mine for many years in my church, and someone with a real heart for others.  The subject inevitably came around to her current church family and easily transitioned into the subject of bringing Haddie to church so that she could develop stable friendships. I want her to have Christ-like people in her life. I want her to know what it means to give unconditional love because she received it.

I haven't attended church in a while because Andy and I aren't married. We live together and have zero problems with our lifestyle. Unfortunately, many in the church do. Some will say, "Oh they won't treat you any differently..." but there's always that look when you say you've been praying, like, "Yeaaah.. praying... with what? Your tarot cards?"

I cannot judge those who choose alternative lifestyles and it's difficult for me to spend large amounts of time with those who do. The more questions I develop, the more I realize that if Jesus were here, he'd love them so much that he'd take their hand no matter how "dirty." 

Gay. Straight. Wiccan. Atheist. American. Muslim. 

Christ would look them in the eye with sincerity and treat each person with the utmost respect because they are made of skin and bones. They have souls. They breathe air. We are humanity and we are each a quilt of what others have sewn into us.

When I talk about church I feel like Veruka Salt.

I list qualities I want. I want I want I want. I feel so selfish.

Some of my education has done this to me. Some personal experiences.

Tonight as I was looking online for churches in the Triad, my heart sank. 

Cliche's, "Christianese", Imperfect people putting on a mask of perfection. 

 I told some of the Christians in my "inner circles" about my traumatic experience and their reactions were: 

"Well that's why I don't drink.."

"I told you living like that was a mistake....I mean I'm sorry it happened but.. I mean you've gotta know.. you were kinda asking for it..."

"Have you prayed about it?"

"So are you going to keep it?"

"God has a plan..."

"You asked for that to happen to you. You shouldn't have made those decisions."

"You should go to Bible study." 

Sometimes I think Christians need a real world study.

When every ounce of hope is ripped from your fingers, and you're in so much pain you can barely breathe to walk to your car to get away... Bible study? 

Bible study didn't get you home that night. 

 The scene replays over and over in your mind as you tell your friends and family. Each time, it's like your nerves become alive and you can feel it all happening again.

God planned... that?

You feel like running into the bathroom and locking the door. 

At least they can't hurt me. No one can hurt me if I don't exist anymore. 

I can't be a screw up anymore if... I would just... take.. those.. pills.

Yeah. I needed a bible study. Actually, I needed a hug, a professional therapist, and stable, unconditional love.

To be fair, not all hope has been lost. 

One person from my family came up and hugged me tight. So. Tight. 

She cried and hugged me for so long in front of the entire family, like she was trying to absorb some of my pain. No apologies. Just love.

That's a Christian. 

One sat across the table from me and listened as I spoke. One of the least overtly emotional people I know, tears were glistening down her cheeks. No words of wisdom. No cliches or cheerful quips to send me on my way. We just sat there a while and I knew my heart was safe being opened to her. I was feeling safe for the first time in a while. 

One special person in particular woke me up every time I had a nightmare and held me as I cried. He turned on the light, took my face in his hands, and brought me back to reality. Booze, Tattoos and Cursing like a sailor, that man is one of the most Christ-like people I know. He has to be. He forgives me over, and over, and over... and loves me like he did the day we met in the concourse at Norfolk International Airport. A quiet smile. A kiss and a hand to hold.

I could attend a church today, not because of all of the out-spoken, self-proclaimed christians but because of the Christ-like individuals I have encountered these last few months. Most of whom, don't go to church. Atheists, Buddhists, Gays... humans who have chosen to be better versions of humanity have given me hope that, somewhere out there, there is a group of Christ-followers who would welcome my family with open arms. 

This post was not intended to bash or insult those who call themselves followers of Christ. It was merely meant to explain why some of the most broken individuals choose to avoid church. For fear someone may break what's left. I'm a terrible Christian but I am sharing my story because in every church I have attended, they wanted to know how they could show others what it was like to have a family.

 Be a family. Love unconditionally.  

Be. Like. Christ.