Movement...

I was watching Soul Pancake (Rainn Wilson's upstart- aka Dwight Shrute) and came across a sweet video that they had posted on January 23rd. It was called, "A letter to a person on their first day here..." but I think it should just be a letter to every person.  Here's an excerpt:

"Some days gross things will happen. Some days awesome things will happen. Some days you’ll get ice cream. Some days you won’t. Some days your kite will fly high. Some days it gets stuck in a tree. That’s just how it is here.

There’s plenty of reasons to dance. You just got to look for them. Don’t worry though. You won’t be doing this alone. You’re going to meet lots of people here. Some of them will be really nice and some won’t be. It’s not that they can’t be. It’s just – maybe they’re just having a bad day.

Being a person is hard sometimes. You should give people high fives just for getting out of bed. Oh, high fives! I forgot to explain that. How do I explain this? Um…It’s kind of high fives are like hitting someone who is your friend. Uh, that’s really bad.

Just treat everybody like it’s their birthday even if they don’t deserve it, because we all mess up sometimes. The biggest mess up? Not forgiving each other’s mess ups.

Maybe you’ll be a teacher. Maybe you’ll be President. Maybe you’ll cure every disease ever. You might even see the Grand Canyon, swim in the ocean. Oh this is so, so much. It’s a lot. Try this, take a breath. Isn’t that amazing? It’s called breathing! You’re going to do it a lot. But nobody knows exactly how much. So enjoy it.

Pay attention. Take brain pictures, because amazing things will happen every day. You’re going to do so much. But it’s not about what you do. It’s about who you are.

You? You’re awesome. You were made that way. You were made from love, to be love, to spread love. Love is always louder, no matter what. Even if hate has a bullhorn, love is louder. So let your life be loud. Let’s shout to the world. Things can be better! It’s okay about all the mess ups! Corn dogs rule! Sorry, I just keep bringing that up.

I don’t think I told you this yet. We’re really glad you’re here. We don’t say that enough to each other here because, well, life gets busy.

You’re going to be important and you’re going to do a lot and you’re going to smell great. But don’t get too busy.

Remember to let everybody know you’re glad they’re here. You don’t have to remember all of this right now. You’re going to need a pep talk sometimes. And that’s okay.

For now, remember this: You’re awake. You’re awesome. Live like it."

While I was watching the video my heart kept lurching. What a message. 

I don't think these things get said enough. Dr. Seuss said, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that it you-er than you."  

Be encouraged, friends :) "Even if hate has a bullhorn, love is louder. So let your life be loud. Lets shout to the world. Things can be better! It's okay about all the mess ups!"

Dear Diary, I mean... Dear friends.. family.. and billions of others I don't know....

I haven't written on this is about a week +, for good reason.

To name a few:

- embarrassment.Not everyone can say they suffered a nervous breakdown... on the internet.

- confusion. I had no idea what I would say if I were to sit and try to type.

- time. I spent a week in Virginia with my Aunt Melissa and Uncle Ron. 

- I was enjoying myself too much to approach the elephant in the room. 

- I have been rather worried about what may come out were I to start writing....

Here Mister Elephant...

So here's how I explained it to Andy... some people choose depression, some people have it forced on them genetically, and some have it forced on them... period. Unlike other lifelong health issues, depression can not be cured by switching to water instead of diet Pepsi. Also, depression isn't a coping mechanism(a way people deal with bad stuff...), its an inability to cope.

Part of my writing this blog, is saying that I am okay with what I am. I am okay enough to put it on display for thousands (3500 to be exact) of people to read and have the ability to make commentary. This is not a cry for attention. This is my heart, in hopes that those who may struggle with being human can have hope. There are good days and there are bad days. There are pregnancies and losses, and the hormonal fluctuations that follow each. My first trip to the hospital was immediately followed by my starting my period for the first time since the loss of my pregnancy. Yeah. I'd say there was more to the past few weeks than black and white mental instability.

First: Andy dumped all of my medications down the toilet a few weeks ago. Anti-depressants, ADHD.. all of it and I am on things that doctors don't just refill. I hope that this blog post is concise and comprehensible.

Second: When one has PTSD, it can take some time to heal. Heal... not just bury. I buried my feelings on all of this for months. I am addressing these issues one at a time, but it takes time.

Third: It is a well known fact among those who have been placed on the ADHD spectrum, that one's life is generally filled with unwise choices, confusion and sometimes mass hysteria. This is an incredibly common occurrence. This fact alone allows me to look at myself in the mirror every day. I was trying to live life like a normal person. Now I live life like a normal person with ADHD. It requires organization (I bought a calendar book...), therapy- generally for the choices you make and coping with them..., often medication... but that's not mandatory and the ability to breathe through one's brain clutter and calm the mind.

Finally: When one has ADHD, and PTSD (all the acronyms!!!!) in combination with one another, it can be very difficult to progress. I was warned about this months and months ago by a man with 50 years of experience in the mental health field. Part of progressing is accepting that having these fears and feelings is natural and healthy. To not be affected would be the opposite. Part of my regression has been the lack of control I have had over the last few months. The house, the baby... I couldn't change anything.

Looking at my life has been difficult. I tend to see the overall picture instead of living day by day. That's generally the problem. One day at a time is difficult when those around you don't understand it or you. I am realizing that in writing this blog, while making myself transparent for those who may need reassurance (nothings better than knowing someone else is crazier than you ;) I was also opening myself up for misunderstanding. For example, after one of my blogs.. my best friend called the cops thinking that I had made a real suicide attempt, when a few days prior I had taken a large quantity of Klonopin. Andy realized something was wrong immediately and asked me how many I had taken, when I told him, he had me throw them up. I had taken around 6 times the recommended amount, 6 pills.

I had hoped that writing this blog could help some of you to understand the girl behind the life choices and with some it has. My aunt and uncle listened patiently for almost 3 hours, asking questions, wanting to understand. They treated me with respect and honor.The time I spent with them did my heart some serious good. During that time I decided to request that Haddie go to live with her father on a more permanent basis, not because my heart does not ache every time I walk into her bedroom or fold her clothes... but because I know that her family is there. She is so much happier where she is. It breaks my heart to not be able to play with her curls and watch a movie after Augie goes to bed... I talked to her tonight and her sigh after she said, "I miss you.." made me cry, but she IS better off there. Haddie needs a significant amount of one on one attention. I have a hard enough time maintaining normal attention, let alone the extensive amounts needed for her to properly and confidently develop.

I love my kids. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. If I didn't, I don't think this blog would exist. I don't know how to cope with the events that have transpired in the last 3-5 years. I am sure that each of you would have dealt with these things differently. Many would have, but that's the beauty of humanity isn't it? We're all so very different. I am simply a complex creation of millions of circumstances and choices made by each of us.

I love you all and I want to say thank you to the women who stuck with me. The private messages on Facebook, the text messages, the hey hey hey hey hey hey SARAH.. TALK TO ME SARAH. I needed you. Thank you for not letting me go. The few of you know who you are. I love you. I love you. I love you. You are so very special to me.