Thursday, December 26, 2013

Discussing Societal Conventions

Are you allowed to mourn ectopic pregnancies or are my hormones just ridiculous?

Augie is taking an unusually long nap today. Instead of taking a nap myself, like an intelligent person would do, I chose to watch The Other Woman on Netflix and spent approximately half of the one hour and thirty-five minute movie crying.  

Natalie Portman plays a lawyer in New York City who has an affair with a partner at her law firm and gets pregnant. They get married, she has the baby and the baby dies of SIDS three days later.

Most of the movie is spent examining the tension that exists within a blended family, which I guess I related to just fine.

The majority of the rest is quips, foreboding full lipped glances from Ms. Portman and the arguments between her and his ex-wife, which, I have to say, top anything that has gone down on my cell phone. Lisa Kudrow has come a long way from Friends and boy was she nasty. I kept thinking, "Well that's an illogical argument..."not the point Sarah. 

There was just enough shots of her with the baby to keep the knot in my chest churning ocular saline. Particularly the scene where she wakes up and her 3 day old daughter is dead. Even the dogs got uncomfortable. I watch these movies when Andy isn't here on purpose. 

Don't get me wrong. He'd be the dutiful pseudo-hubby. He would hold me... and then sigh while I cried, wondering when it would be over. 

So am I supposed to mourn this kid? The sappy doe-eyed "I'm sorry"s tell me it's socially acceptable, but at what point will folks begin to glance back and forth at one another and whisper, "It was just a fertilized egg in a tube... when is she going to get over this?" 

I decided it would have probably have been a boy. Andy's family always has boys. We should have lived about 200 -500 years ago. We could have been rich. Andy hates the idea of naming one of his kids Andrew but the name Andrew has pretty fantastic connotations for me. Strong, smart, capable, kind. Like something out of a book. I think he would have been a boy.... and so his name is Andrew. 

I guess it's not a secret after I tell you, but I secretly hoped they would let me keep him, or bury the 'embryo'. I know. I feel and sound like a sappy idiot, but laying it all out there has been therapeutic so far... right?
No nervous breakdowns as of yet.... but maybe that's just the pain medication I've been on since last Wednesday. We'll see. I've decided that although I've been told that I have a 2 week healing period, one seems to be enough lazing about for me. I feel like a sloth. 

So tomorrow, for the first time in a week, I will stop the pain meds, take my ADHD and antidepressant medications. I will put on some makeup and go to my Pure Romance show in Winston-Salem. 
I will smile... and I'll try not to produce full lipped pouts.. even if my lips are kinda chapped. 

Happy December 26th guys... just a few more days to a start of a New Year. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

We Wish You A Merry Christmas...

Christmas Time Is Here!!

Anymore, Christmas has seemed like just another day to me. 
A day full of expectations. Exhausting expectations. 
Thankfully, it has proven itself worthy once again. 

We had to wait until 8:30 to get the boys last night. 
I couldn't wait. I had the hot chocolate ready when they got here. 
The stockings were ready, presents wrapped and Augie had been kept from destroying the tree.
 I was really on my game this year. 

Preface: Cole has been asking me for mechanical pencils for months now. I had purchased some for myself for my math class in college and he had already been given a few, but I thought it would be cool to get him his own for his stocking. 

The boys opened their stockings first, sorta, and when Cole pulled out his mechanical pencils he gasped, looked directly at me with the cutest smile on his face and got up to give me a hug. 

I think that might have been the best gift I got this year. That, and when Cary was getting out of the van today, he said, "Bye Sarah, I love you." 

We gave the kids Kindle Fire's this year, which, of course, were a hit. The amount of silence in our home last night had Andy and I questioning if we had done the right thing. Thankfully a majority of the apps are educational??

Today, as we spent time that family that isn't blood related to me, I realized that I was breathing sighs of relief that I haven't had in a while. I'm beginning to belong. I love the hugs that Andy's niece, Emma gives me. They're so genuine and full of acceptance. Andy's brother sent us home with a bunch of grass fed beef, and a bottle of his moonshine.

The hardest part of the day was leaving and dropping the boys off with their mom. It's so quiet without Haddie here that Andy and I didn't know quite what to do with ourselves this afternoon. 
It's almost lonely. Blended/broken families are painful things but they're also beautiful and in my opinion somewhat magical. A group of individuals brought together through painful circumstances understands one another in ways that no one else can. We are so blessed.  

It is my wish that 2014 will bring love, hope, forgiveness, joy, peace, and understanding. 

Sometimes this blog can be an outlet for my self pity and frustrations and when I read back over the things I write, sometimes I feel like an idiot
but....
I appreciate the support I have received for my writing, verbally, not just on Facebook.
 I never knew this could be part of who I am. 

This past year has taught me that being concerned with your own needs is over rated. 
Learning to be happy with what you have and where you are is the key to success
and I am so very blessed. 

Happy Holidays my sweet friends, and a Happy New Year!!! 

xoxo Sarah


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

What Happened Next....

I'm currently reclining in my hospital bed in room 576 in High Point Regional Hospital feeling reasonably comfortable in comparison to this afternoon.

Let's catch you all up. 

Yesterday, Andy took me to High Point OBGYN to have a relatively painless shot stuck in my rear end. Part of me was sad, and part of me heaved a sigh of relief. Augie STILL isn't sleeping well... I was looking forward to getting sleep eventually and a baby wasn't going to provide that. 
It sounds ridiculous... but it's what I was thinking. 

He took me to Starbucks on our way home to make me feel better and then the nausea kicked in and I just wanted to sleep. I made it through a shower and then watched a movie on Netflix, promptly passing out and sleeping like the dead. 

I woke up exhausted like I hadn't slept a wink, took my Adderall for the first time since I had found out I was pregnant, and I had instant energy. I even made Haddie's class a really pretty fruit plate. 
I got home, got some work done for the first time in days, started cleaning up the house etc. I started getting nauseated between 10 and 12. The exhaustion came back around 1. 

I got back from getting Haddie and I was flat out dizzy. I was trying to clean the house to keep my mind off of it, because sitting there on the couch while Augie came up with new and creative ways to hit me, the television, the dogs, or Haddie with random elongated objects like cooking spoons, plastic bats, Millie's collar wasn't going to cut it. We call him Bam Bam. He doesn't understand that it hurts, because he's a behemoth and it doesn't hurt him. 

I kept having to stop and breathe to get rid of the nausea or dizziness. Around 3 o'clock I started seeing spots, things started to blacken and I knew what was happening. I quickly asked Haddie to get David(Andy's Dad) because "Mommy doesn't feel good.." and I woke up on the floor 45 minutes later to Andy making me get up, put on a jacket and sit in his mom's wheelchair. ... I felt totally lame. Almost 26 years old and riding in a wheelchair. 

Also, I realized I hadn't shaved my legs...  as Andy would say.. 'Momma always told me, no matter where you go... always wear clean underwear..'.. guess I should always shave my legs. 

He took me to Dr. Patel who had made an emergency appointment for me. He touched my belly a few times and when he saw me squirm and heard me yelp... told me that since the ultrasounds had been inconclusive,  he wanted to do a diagnostic laparoscopic  surgery to find out if the pregnancy had ruptured my fallopian tube. Less than two hours later, I was being rolled into the OR and breathing into a little mask. 

When I woke up, Andy informed me that the tube had ruptured and I had a belly full of blood. Gotta say, I didn't feel so lame anymore. I have an incision in my belly button where they had taken my gallbladder out, and a new one below my baby gut line. You moms know what I mean. After my gallbladder removal and this, I'm gonna look like I've been in a serious knife fight. Maybe I should tone up my tummy and wear belly shirts. Yeaaahhh boiiii. 

My right side feels a few ounces lighter because I'm down one fallopian tube, but that just makes me unique eh? heh heh. Sigh.  Oh and Dr. Patel is a cool guy. Slightly out of it due to pain, I asked, "So hey... ya think you could just tie my tubes up while you're in there?" He laughed at me and said, "Actually, no.. I wouldn't mind.. ya know... getting it all done in one go. But the state of North Carolina requires that we give 30 days notice before sterilization." I responded with a... "Well that blows.." and he said... "Basically. You'd have to come back in, like... a month and I'd have to open that same cut back up in your belly button and tie them then." 

Everyone here has been super sweet. I am my normal, sarcastic self, especially when I've had my medication recently. My nurse just forced me to drink an epic crap ton of water under threat of catheterization. She thought she was sooo smart. Well she was.. cause I did it. 

Ok. Now that this update is done, I can go watch Netflix. Sorry if you didn't get an individualized text. I'm pretty tired and this is the fastest way to get the info out to each of you. 

Big shout outs to my biffle Jennifer for dropping everything and just picking up my kids and bringing them home with her for the evening and my sweet friend Katie who canceled the playdate for our Mom's group so she could help me with Augie and Haddie for a few hours. You guys are... family and I am so grateful for you. 

Sleep good everybody!
xoxo
Sarah

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

So... what really happened was...

Alright so my last post was blah blah blah so depressed babies. Right?

Well I've gotta catch you up because turns out, no miscarriage. Worse. Tubal pregnancy. 

Happy Birthday to Andy... yesterday.. *singsong*...

That's right, folks! I'm expecting... well.. I'm expecting a shot in the rear end that will terminate the pregnancy. I say this rather light heartedly because I've already cried about it enough. Ask Andy. It's my blog and I'll be heartless if I want to. 

I went to the doctor a week ago to talk to them about getting my tubes tied. After I mentioned the possibility, the nurse walked in the room and handed her a piece of paper. The PA looked up at me and said, "Well .. I'd love to do that but it turns out you're pregnant." 

I kept swallowing so much that she asked me if was ok. My eyes must have been huge. Pelvic exam, inconclusive ultrasounds and blood tests. I haven't missed this. 

For the last week they've been drawing so much blood that my poor left arm refuses to give it up anymore. Today they had to switch to my right. They have been testing for rising hCG (pregnancy hormone) which they have gotten but not at the rate at which they'd like. It should be doubling every two days... and it has been a week and it has just now gotten to double what it was on Monday. 

This signifies a problem, I guess? More specifically, they say it signifies a tubal pregnancy that could destroy my ability to have children (which I was already kinda going for..) but it also has the possibility of killing me and they'd like to avoid surgery. I'm all about that. My last surgery was a nightmare. 

I'm pretty uncomfortable with this entire fiasco. 
I've always been pro-choice but termination has never been MY choice. 

Today, my doctor called it "treatment" for a "health problem" and although I found that rather crass, it was much easier to tolerate than the sympathetic sighs and big eyed glances that accompanied the nurse's slow spoken, "I'm so saahhray, (pause to glance at my name on the chart) Sare-uh."

So, in 20 minutes when Andy gets home from work, he's going to drive me to High Point OBGYN and the nurse who says she understands is going to give me one, or two shots of Methotrexate aka chemotherapy (my choice she says) in the rear end to dissolve this "health problem" in the fallopian tube before it destroys my reproductive system. 

Life's a bitch, man. There's really no other way to put that. 
Am I being a complete drama queen to say that I feel like Job? 

Yeah. I am. Sorry. 

There are people around the world dying from issues like this. 
There are women and children without homes. 
There are people who can't just take a nap in the middle of the day because they can't hold their eyes open. 

I'm lucky. I'm blessed. 
I've got it really, really good. 
I've just got to tell myself that for the next week or so while I'm getting more blood tests done to make sure they got the sucker (ugh.. I want to vomit..) and possibly getting another shot. 

This year, I want to figure out what alternatives I could have had... since I didn't educate myself before now, and it's now too late to wait. Average ectopic pregnancy ruptures at 6 weeks. 

Moral of the story? I'm never taking birth control again.
Getting my tubes tied. Andy's getting snipped and that's that. 
Hormone based birth control blows. 

Like my friend Karol says.... I just lay it all out there... Here it is. *sigh*
Love y'all. 


Sunday, December 8, 2013

Wrote A Paper about ADHD Diagnosis in Children...

Preface: Just thought I'd share it because it was an interesting subject. I know there's a lot of passionate folks out there, but this isn't cause for conflict. Simply wanted to share what I found out...

I usually lose points for grammar. Sorry grammar Nazi's...

This is written based on a specific rubric so if it's not as fluid, that's why.


The Current Standards for Diagnosis and Medicinal Treatment of ADHD Must be Reevaluated

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau practically suggests a seemingly unachievable solution to a problem many parents have struggled with for years. How does one approach the needs of a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD? Ensuring that a child is emotionally stable early, is imperative for the welfare of society, but a lack of definitive research on the subject of ADHD should make parents hesitant to accept the first diagnosis, and more specifically, whether or not to give their child medications in response.
 
     Appreciation for the medicinal treatment of ADHD is growing in popularity and for good reason. One can find story after story told by adults who struggled with undiagnosed ADHD I and II as a child. These narratives are filled with frustration, educational failures, disastrous relationships, and often drug abuse (Wanner). A common answer to behavioral problems associated with this disease, and one that has not proven effective, is severe discipline. Juliet Pia, a mother of a young child with ADHD said, “These methods would work temporarily, but nothing had a lasting effect- her brains and body were just moving too fast…. Since I couldn’t sit in the classroom with her all day long, nursery school was just a horror.” Because of this, many researchers are pointing to stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin. Thanks to new screening programs, and advances in psychiatric research, millions of children and adults are finding relief through these pharmaceutical options and often behavioral therapy. For some, these advances are a relief to a life time of pain. For many, medications are financially, the only treatment option due to health care costs (Marsa). Despite the positive impact, the inability to achieve a clear diagnosis for this disorder has some concerned that instead of lack of acknowledgment, the negative effect of medications due to over diagnosis could now be the bigger issue. 

     The United States uses 80 percent of the world’s Ritalin, a stimulant used to treat hyperactivity. According to Linda Marsa, a teacher and investigative journalist from Los Angeles, prescriptions of the drug “for preschoolers rose 49 percent from 2000 to 2003. This is especially sobering in view of the fact that Ritalin is not even approved for use in children under six [years of age]” (Marsa). Rising national education standards have limited the time that adolescents are allowed to expel their large amounts of inherent energy. This often leads to inattentiveness, hyperactivity and other disciplinary problems. A child’s teacher is usually one of the first to notice these traits. Unfortunately, due to the large numbers of students per classroom, the child is often labeled a nuisance and handed to school administrators and eventually their parents to be dealt with.  Due to these symptoms being difficult to differentiate from lack of exercise, disciplinary needs, and other mental health issues, many specialists suggest mandatory mental health screenings for school age children. Nathaniel S. Lehrmn, clinical director of Kingsboro Psychiatric Center in Brooklyn asks a thought-provoking question, “What is this mental illness for which we are now screening? Years ago, the term ‘mental illness’ referred only to the insane: people with bizarre ideas who were unable to function socially….. The term has been expanded to include increasingly more of the thousand natural ills to which the flesh is heir,” (Lehrman). 
     
     Standards for ADHD diagnosis have been created by the American Academy of Pediatrics but these evaluations can cost exorbitant amounts of money if the individual, or more specifically their parent, does not have adequate insurance. Federal law states that the schools have to provide free evaluations for these individuals as well as classes to facilitate their needs (Marsa). Mental health screenings are often a generic group of questions that allow little to no flexibility for those being evaluated. Schools regularly administer computer based assessments with either yes, or no as optional responses (Lehrman). To effectively diagnose ADHD, several hours of evaluation with a licensed psychologist are needed, but it is common for insurance companies to encourage doctors to restrain from giving referrals to specialists. This makes it cheaper for most primary care physicians to medicate a child instead of encouraging behavior modifications, like therapy (Marsa). Many parents happily agree to continue, noticing an obvious change in their child’s behavior after administering the stimulants but, as many college students can attest, these medications increase the focus and motivation of anyone who takes them. Unfortunately, this does not mean that the root of the problem has been addressed. 

     Multiple issues can present symptoms similar to those of ADHD, including learning disabilities, impaired vision, problems at home, and hyperthyroidism. Parents should consider medications the last resort when treating their child’s ADHD. Prior to administering possibly harmful stimulants, resources such as behavioral therapy, setting goals, teaching the child organizational skills and time management should be attempted. “Children with ADHD need consistent rules. a high degree of daily structure and stern consequences for misbehavior,” explains Marsa.  The need for hesitancy when using medications is due to the side effects often encountered in children. These include sleeplessness, lack of appetite, and sometimes depression.  Many experience what Marsa calls a, “rebound effect”, meaning that when their medication wears off, they become irritable and their symptoms come back. Specialists do not advise allowing children to take the prescriptions without reassessing their need for it regularly. Most encourage parents to occasionally try taking their child off of the drug for a short period of time yearly, under a doctors supervision (Marsa).

     For a child with severe ADHD, medications can have an overwhelmingly positive impact on his or her life. For a child who is misdiagnosed, medicinal dependency and insufficient treatment of the underlying issues can lead to more substantial problems as they age. It is a parent’s responsibility to recognize this need, and go above and beyond, making attempts to find alternatives to legal addictive stimulants. Many are discouraged by his or her child’s march to a different drum, often taking responsibility. For these parents to instead, attempt to find the child’s rhythm, would help to mould an adult who, despite his or her differences, has a well developed sense of self esteem and is capable of functioning without fear of failure. 

Annotated Bibliography

Briggs, Rahil. "Mental Health Screening for Kids: Column". USA Today. Gannett Company. 31 January, 2013. Web. 6 November 2013
Rahil Briggs is an assistant professor of Pediatrics who teaches at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. USA Today is a nationally published magazine so he is writing a public interest piece prompted by his work with children at the Children’s Hospital at Montefiore. He discusses the idea that although mental health screenings aren’t necessarily refined enough, he feels it is it important nonetheless, because of issues like the Newtown massacre. His opinion is based on his experience as a doctor.
Brigg’s main argument is that gun control is not enough to rid our country of severely violent acts like what happened at Newtown and Columbine. He feels that mental health screenings for each child are imperative and should be part of the enrollment process for school. I think that this article provides one explanation as to why so many children are given tests for things like ADHD. Societal focus on mental health has increased due to education but also because so many negative things have happened recently due to lack of attentiveness towards those struggling with mental health issues.

“Eleven Percent of U.S. Children Ages 4-17 diagnosed with ADHD.” United Press International. UPI, 24 Nov 2013. Web. 24 Nov 2013.

United Press International is a 106 year old company that licenses content directly media outlets, and businesses as well as governments and researchers around the world. As a news publication, their focus group would be a broad as possible.  It points out the alarming number of children currently taking medications for ADHD and explains the nature of ADHD and the effects of treatment.

Lehrman, Nathaniel S. "Mental Health Screenings in Schools Can Harm Children." Mental Illness. Ed. Roman Espejo. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2012. Opposing Viewpoints. Rpt. from "The Dangers of Mental Health Screening." Journal of American Physicians and Surgeons (Fall 2006). Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 10 Nov. 2013.

Nathaniel Lehrman is the the clinical director of Kingsboro Psychiatric Center in Brooklyn, New York and an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the State University of New York. This article was written for the Journal of American Physicians and Surgeons, so he is writing to fellow academics and colleagues. His opinion is based on his experience in the field of psychiatry. He feels that mental health screenings can misdiagnose children who are suffering from unfortunate life circumstances, not struggling with mental illness.
Lehrman states several cases where children and teenagers were misdiagnosed and whose situations actually declined due to their being medicated. He points out that not every person is mental ill, it has been “expanded to include increasingly more of the thousand naturals ills to which the flesh is heir.” or it has been used as an excuse for every persons flaws. Schools make more money when kids have disabilities and for a while ADHD was classified as a disability so people could get disability benefits for it! This article provides a lot of useful facts that outline a majority of my opinion. It takes more than a simple screening to diagnose someone with a life changing disease.

Marsa, Linda. "ADHD Drugs Are Overprescribed for Children." Are Americans Overmedicated? Ed. Tamara Thompson. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2011. At Issue. Rpt. from "Is ADHD Getting Out of Control?" Ladies Home Journal(Apr. 2005). Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 10 Nov. 2013. 

Linda Marsa is a journalist from Los Angeles who teaches medicine, science and health. She is writing for the readers of Ladies Home Journal. She feels that ADHD symptoms can be indicative of other issues and that simply handing a child stimulants and other powerful medications used to treat ADHD is “Bad medicine”.  I assume that her writing is based on experiences that she has had while teaching.
She states a large amount of statistics about Ritalin prescriptions for preschoolers and 2-4 year olds, assuming that the majority of audience members will be shocked because Ritalin is not approved for use in children under the age of 6. No one knows exactly what ADHD or how it should be treated. She feels that because “diagnosis is a judgement call” many doctors aren’t taking enough time to establish a relationship with a child before handing them medication. She discusses alternative methods to treat hyperactivity, the difficulty involved in diagnosing ADHD and the guidelines for the American Academy of Pediatrics.  Marsa sheds light on how ADHD diagnosis has gotten out of control and needs to be studied further. She also talks about the negative affects of misdiagnosis in children which is a logical reason to reconsider over diagnosis.

Wanner, John. "Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Face Serious Challenges." Behavioral Disorders. Ed. Louise I. Gerdes. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2010. Opposing Viewpoints. Rpt. from "Addressing Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults." The Journal of Employee Assistance 37 (Oct. 2007): 27-28. Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 17 Nov. 2013
John Wanner is an Employee Assistance Program consultant who suffers from ADD. In this article he tells about his personal struggle with ADD and not realizing he had it until he was an adult. He believes that it effected many parts of his life, specifically the education and professional aspects. He talks about how many people with ADD have suffered through bad relationships, and used drugs, as well as dealt with a lot of emotional issues because of self esteem. His “angle of vision” is based on the fact that he, himself has been diagnosed with ADD (ADHD inactive).

His main idea is that it takes some adults many years to realize that there could be a reason behind the majority of their life’s issues. He is passionate about changing the lives of others suffering with ADD/ADHD. This is a personal experience that provides some insight into those actually suffering with the disease. This will be part of my argument that although ADHD IS over diagnosed, completely disregarding mental health screenings would be counter productive. The key is to provide more detailed one-on-one screenings that last longer .

Saturday, November 23, 2013

A little bit of TMI.... don't read if you're... not into visuals.

Took a pregnancy test about a month ago. 
It said I was not pregnant and so, somewhat relieved,  I continued to live life as usual.

Andy and I were in the shower the other night. (showering pervs... we can catch up on life and get clean at the same time) I was washing my hair when Andy said, "Babe?"
The bottom of the shower was a dark red. It was everywhere. 

I hadn't had much pain because I had a random tooth pulled the other day.. you know.. happens to everyone right?... and have been taking prescription pain medication as needed. 

I didn't carry this creation to 39 weeks like my sweet, heartbroken, cousin Rachael. 
I didn't hug and kiss Andy over a plus sign on a urine stained piece of plastic. 
I didn't want anymore children. I'm rather selfish like that. I want some "me" time. 

Why am I so disconcerted? 

I think it is because I can feel Andy holding my hand as I'm pushing, 
whispering in my ear how beautiful I am. 
 I can see diapers and snuggles and tiny fingers. 
I smell baby skin and feel its softness against my cheek. 
I can feel the warmth in my heart, meeting the eyes of a new human. 
Feeling them against my chest, it's almost as if their energy is flowing into my body.
We are one, but we're separate. 

Andy and Eric took the kids to the Parade so I could rest. 
I think I'm going to take a nap before this family night and dream of sweet babies.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Existentialism .. Part I and Part II

Like usual, I'm supposed to be doing homework but I'm not. I'm kinda distracted.

Part 1 Why Andy Will Most Likely Have to File For Bankruptcy 

Andy's ex-wife has decided that, because she does not feel that she can trust Andy to pay the payments and essentially not do the same thing to her that she is currently doing to him, she would like to foreclose on the home. This "calculated risk" could cost us anywhere from 10-50k in losses depending on how much U.S. Bank is capable of selling it for. Everyone say a prayer. 

Well... what do I do now? We borrowed money to get into the home we were purchasing. Now that money is gone to Quicken and we won't be getting it back. My kids aren't sleeping well. I walk around my life like a zombie. School. Work. Sleep. 

I know this isn't the end of the world but I feel that my hope has been cut away from me with a knife... slowly and deliberately. Tonight as we talked, the nastiness that oozed from everyone made me ill... I almost got sick on her front porch. The utter lack of respect for everyone involved on everyone's part broke my heart. 

I felt like I was watching a movie... a movie where I essentially set Andy up to be insulted for no resolution and for no purpose other than clarification that he is.. essentially a piece of shit. The sheer idiocy of this situation makes me ill. 

Part II Pure Romance

I sell lubricants, lotions, lingerie and bedroom accessories and I'm damn proud of it.
Do I embarrass you?

The bible has a lot more kinky porn than anything Pure Romance has in it's books. 

 Do you value yourself and your sexual satisfaction? 
You should. It doesn't just exist to procreate.

 Marriages fall apart every day because of sex. Coming home every night to a partner who doesn't want you doesn't really make a man (or woman) want to stick around. Women need to be enabled and empowered.. and men need to feel safe in their relationships. I do both.

 I educate women who are confused about their private issues and act as a confidant for those with no idea who to talk to. I help them communicate their needs. I help them fight for the health of their relationship. Insult me under your breath if you want to, but I know that what I'm doing is something I can be proud of. Something that I'd willingly tell my grandma about.

God created sex. Thank you God! Pure Romance.... God's gift to relationships ;) 
You could sit with a few of your close friends, learn about new products and not have to leave your house. Everyone is different and because Pure Romance is incredibly passionate about respecting each individual's needs. 

We sell shave gel people. 
We sell vaginal dilators so it won't hurt you anymore.
We sell stimulants so you will not only want your husband,
but you'll enjoy it. 
We sell toys because sometimes it takes self-exploration to find out what you enjoy. 
We sell lubricants because everyone should use a lubricant. 
It prevents tearing and scar tissue. 
No one is born knowing everything about sex. 
You shouldn't have to watch porn to find out what you like.

I'm proud of what I do. I am trustworthy and hardworking. I love my family and I love my partner.  I don't want to sell kitchenware. I don't want to sell makeup. 
I want to help people with one of their most private struggles. 

I need to do some homework. 
I need to go sell some lube. 
Hey... y'all want some?

Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Boiling Point

In case ya'll haven't figured it out, this ain't Sarah. This is Andy. I think that you should get a list of things that you should expect from my writing, and some things you should not expect. You should not expect a lot of eloquence from me, just not who I am. You should expect more explicitness. In general, my writing is not as good as Sarah's. I apologize in advance.

So, ya'll already know that we are not getting the house we wanted on Denny Street in High Point. Whereas Sarah gets sad at this fact, I have a very different emotion. If emotions had color....it would be red. I'm not talking about the lovey-dovey red either. For my part, buying that house, or trying to buy that house as it turns out, was without a doubt the most financially responsible thing that I have ever tried to do. Not only was it only $50,000, not only was it the right size for my family, not only was it endowed with a nice sized yard for mein Hund to run around and poop in, it was also an investment. It was an investment that I was looking to pay off in at least 10 years. I can tell you why in three words: High Point University. This college is expanding, and it's high dollar, AND its like literally right up the street as you can see in the map.

If this map doesn't enlarge when I'm done, here's the skinny:
the arrow on the left is where the house is. The arrow on the
right is the college. The arrow in the middle is a piece of land
the college is getting ready to develop. See where I'm going
here?

Even if they did not eventually expand more in that direction and offer to buy us out, hopefully for a larger sum than what we paid for the house, the uber-low price ensured a way early pay off. With that house paid off we could have rented it to rich college kids and basically had another income!!! Buuuuut.....water under the bridge I guess. Or as ole Clayton Beahn says "might as well try to put toothpaste back in the tube." Doesn't make me any less angry though. 

Soooooo.....limbo.......otherwise known as my parents place. God bless their souls. It's ok and really close to work, but we need our space, and they need theirs. I guess that families of yester-century used to live like this, and I'm all for having all my family under one roof where I can help them, they can help me, we can all help each other, but not in a 3 bedroom apartment. So we looked around for rentals in the area. We found one that was just freaking awesome but with one drawback: location. North of Greensboro. Too far away from work and everything that we want to be close to. This is where Sarah shows her true awesomeness.....with a little cajoling on my part. I started talking about the house that my ex-wife lived in. Good school for Haddie, close to her (Sarah) friends, the boys have friends in the neighborhood, I hardly lived in it with my ex-wife (at the most I stayed there for 1.5 weeks at a time), it'll save my credit, blah, blah, blah. She has agreed to, maybe not happily, but not too angrily either move into that house....and make it her own. Sounds too good to be true for me right? Well, it has conditions, none of which Sarah is demanding. First, the mortgage company is going to have to modify the loan to a payment we can afford. $1100 a month ain't gonna cut the cheese here. Second, and this is one I did not really see coming because of previous conversations, I have to convince my ex. Previously, when we were in the Denny Street home buying process, she suggested that we just move into the house in Thomasville. OF course we said no because we were of the impression that we were going to get a house, and what self respecting woman wants to live in her husband's ex-wife's house? Now that that deal has fallen through, after considering options, we have decided to do just that. Speaking of the Denny House falling through, is it just coincidence that my ex decides to quit making mortgage payments when we are in the middle of a home search/buying? I have my opinions, but I'll let you decide. She says it is indeed coincidence. Anywho....now she says that she doesn't want us to move into it unless we can get her name off of it because she does not want to be tied to me anymore. She told me, and I quote, "I would rather foreclose on that house and ruin both of our credit scores, than for my name to still be on it with you living in it." End f@#king quote. 

I know Mr. President, it doesn't make sense
to me either.

To top that, I submitted a work out package with the mortgage company on the 23rd of October. I have called my assigned "Relationship Manager" damn near every single day since then. He has yet to answer the phone. I leave messages asking that he call, or at least email, me. To no avail. Do these people want money or not?!?!?!? 
Andy gets angry.
Somethings I refuse to do:
  1. Move my family into this house, and start paying what we can afford, before I have some reassurance that they're not just going to foreclose on it. Not that my ex will let me anyways.
  2. Have them take my ex-wife's name off of the mortgage before I find out if they are going to make it to where I can afford it. If it goes under with my name on it, her's will be right there beside mine. 
  3. Make any payment on a house that I am not living in and which default I'm not morally responsible for. 

Yes, I know I'm LEGALLY responsible. But dammit, There's principalities involved here Smokey!

So tomorrow I will call the mortgage company, again. And I'll probably have to leave another voice mail, again. But know this, every time I call them I will get a little more belligerent until I get some sort of result. Oh, and just so ya'll know, if you call my phone...you will be recorded. I have an app. I could say that it is for quality assurance and training purposes if that makes you feel better; but let's face it, it's for evidence. After dealing with these mortgage companies I want to be able to prove what I was told.

So there ya have it folks. There's an update from my perspective. Hopefully it'll be us that lets you know what happens next and not a story on the news of some perfectly normal couple suddenly breaking bad on some bankers!! (just kidding, maybe ;-) )

Monday, October 21, 2013

When you're worried and you can't sleep.. just count your blessings instead of sheep..

I haven't blogged because my life is in limbo.
I don't like limbo.
I like definite.
Dependency is beginning to eat at me.

but.... I've got to say. I've got it so good. 

So.. instead of whining about the endless amounts of stress eating at me.. I'm going to count my blessings. I have them in abundance.

1) I had the guts to speak to the Quicken Representative intelligently, and with respect letting him know that I thought he was full of crap... without actually saying that. It got me nowhere. They're not giving us our money but I got it off of my chest.

2) My relationship with my step-kids is improving. I may not be married to their father but they actually seek me out to talk to me. I have not seen a line between Cole and Cary and my own kids for some time now. They're treated no differently, sometimes to their dismay :P
I don't want to be their mother, I just hope that I get to enrich their lives as much as they have mine.

3) I have in-laws who, when told that we were researching rental homes, wanted to know what they had done to offend us and why we would want to move out. I had to let them know that I think they're fantastic. I just need some personal space.

4) Andy called US Bank and is trying to figure something out with the home that is currently going into foreclosure. Although it would be a very large hit to my pride, if they can give us a reasonable mortgage payment to keep the home afloat.. I might just consider living there.

My problem is not just that it was his home with his ex-wife. That's just an unfortunate issue. It's nothing I was looking for in a home. Cost efficient. No. Older home with good structural integrity that we could make our own? No. Close to anything? No. In Winston, Greensboro or High Point? No. It's in Davidson County. The one place I do not want to live.

BUT.. saving Andy's credit is imperative. There is a fantastic elementary school moments from the house.. and if she would allow it-- his ex-wife could keep the boys enrolled at Hasty through the use of our address. It isn't broken down, beaten up or completely gutted. It needs simple improvements. There  is a spacious front and back yard and it's close to some of the friends that I have made recently.

This home specifically is not what I want but if it will establish stability and roots for my children, I will not allow my personal preferences or frustrations deter me from that.

5) My family. Andy and the kids. The dogs. I am so very blessed.

6) Access to a significant amount of employment opportunities within a 10-15 mile radius. If I need to get a job to make this work, I'll just have to get a job and thankfully there are plenty to choose from in the area.

7) My education. College has established a self-esteem in regards to my intelligence that I have never had before. I can see myself getting a masters degree. Success feels attainable. Hope feels good.

8) Haddie's pre-k is more than we could have asked for. They are respectful and attentive. They treat Haddie with the love and respect she deserves while educating her efficiently. She is very excited to leave the house every day and can already count to 10 in Spanish. ha ha.

9) Friends.  A friend and I established a Mom's Playgroup for the Triad. We've got 75 members and it's still growing. We hosted a meet and greet at her home and had around 15 children! Haddie is making friends, Andy has met some people through work and I have found a few very special individuals that I can trust and desire to spend time with regularly.

10) Peace. I know I'm supposed to be here. How it's going to pan out is a mystery but I suppose that's just part of the ride.

xoxo
Sarah


Monday, October 7, 2013

The Fighter.. Dancing Through The Fire

Stop judging me for using a Katy Perry lyric as my title. 
I see that look on your face.
That song is my jam! I even do the running man. 
You're missing out with me being so far away.

We're not getting the house. We've pulled every random idea out of our rear ends and nothing. Notta. Not one single thing worked. 

I received a phone call this evening from John, the sellers realtor. I swear that's one of the nicest men on the planet. He left me a voicemail expressing his condolences and told me that he thought we deserved such a great house. I had held it together pretty well until then.

 I had just gotten back from grocery shopping and right there in the middle of my in-laws kitchen, putting away Gerber Sweet Potatoes, I started bawling. 

Someone told me not to get my hopes up with houses but me? I'm too "smart" to heed warnings. I not only had my hopes tied up in it, I had around $1500. *insert curse words*
If Quicken doesn't compensate us for our losses, I have every intention of taking them to small claims court. 

We uprooted our family, we moved in with our in-laws, and we allowed our kids to dream with us. I think that's the most heartbreaking part. It's also the part that makes me more determined to create real stability for them. 

Haddie started her preschool today and over my dead body is she doing anything else, Monday-Friday from 9-1 except for learning her little heart out and developing relationships. I may be over exaggerating a bit, but you get the picture. That smile is too precious to yank away again.

We lost the house because Andy's ex-wife has stopped making payments on the home that the divorce decree stated she was legally supposed to assume. 

Andy's credit has taken a nosedive and my dream of stability has gone up in flames.

Because she refuses to do so, we have got to take her to court to have her assume the loan and have it removed from Andy's financial history before it forecloses and we're stuck with no house for 7 years. Also, if the boys catch wind of anything that's going on, we would have to explain to them why grownups can't make grownup decisions. It all makes me ill.

In the event that find out, how do you tell your kids that in order to take care of the entire family, you have to make decisions that could negatively effect their mother?

I am...... .. ...
I don't know. For now... 
I think I'll sing some les Miserables...

At the end of the day you're another day older...
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor. 
It's a struggle. It's a war. 
And there's nothing that anyone's giving.
One more day standing about what is it for?

Ok good. I've sufficiently wallowed.
I think it's probably time that I turned that Katy Perry back on.
 No one wants to hear me try to sing "I Dreamed A Dream."
I know we'll figure something out. We're going to make this work and become stronger people because of it... 
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar...

Monday, September 16, 2013

Can I Get A What! What!?

I know I know I know!
You're not supposed to get your hopes up but we have had a breakthrough!

I think this deserves a reserved fist pump from the audience. 
Here are some examples:




So I bet you're wondering what you're celebrating.

Tonight I grabbed Quicken Loans by the... ... ... collar and requested some firm numbers and information on what was going to be happening with this house. My poor stomach can't handle anymore ulcers and you all can't handle anymore posts about my mental health. 


We have decided to go with an FHA loan which means more money on the table at closing... which means we'll be broke for a while but we'll have a house with a monthly mortgage payment of $375 a month. The town home we were prepared to rent was almost double that. 

At first we were unsure about our ability to afford an FHA due to the fact that it requires 10% at closing but our seller agreed to pay 1500, we have already paid a $500 earnest money deposit and $400 for an appraisal. Also the guy from Quicken, after hearing my, we'll call it "patriarchal mimicry", offered us lender credits for closing. I feel like flexing. 

Benefits of the FHA loan:
  • We won't have to wait for 30 days of pay stubs to close!
  • We won't have to live with my poor in-laws for longer than a month!
  • My mother in law won't have to spend enough time with me to eventually hate me!!!... too much.

She already tells me I'm a 'northerner' because I leave the peels on my mashed potatoes and fry my fresh green beans in soy sauce instead of making boiled mashed fatback beans... but she loves me... for now.
  • I can sign Haddie up for a definite school as soon as we move and she can assimilate sooner. 
  • I'm still going to apply for jobs, but I'm not nearly as anxious about finding one. I'm not experienced in anything except coffee,retail and non-profits that serve coffee.
  • I just wanted to add another dot... ok better



Celebrate with me!! Give me a fist pump! 

(Post pictures on our Facebook if you're not a chicken)

Night Y'all xoxo



Friday, September 13, 2013

Gooses, Geeses, I Want A Goose That Lays Gold Eggs For Easter...AKA My Search for Church.

I spent some time hanging out with a good friend this evening. 
When she and I say we're going to "hang out for a while.." we actually mean six hours of analyzing the way the world works around us and what it means. Sue me. 

She was a mentor of mine for many years in my church, and someone with a real heart for others.  The subject inevitably came around to her current church family and easily transitioned into the subject of bringing Haddie to church so that she could develop stable friendships. I want her to have Christ-like people in her life. I want her to know what it means to give unconditional love because she received it.

I haven't attended church in a while because Andy and I aren't married. We live together and have zero problems with our lifestyle. Unfortunately, many in the church do. Some will say, "Oh they won't treat you any differently..." but there's always that look when you say you've been praying, like, "Yeaaah.. praying... with what? Your tarot cards?"

I cannot judge those who choose alternative lifestyles and it's difficult for me to spend large amounts of time with those who do. The more questions I develop, the more I realize that if Jesus were here, he'd love them so much that he'd take their hand no matter how "dirty." 

Gay. Straight. Wiccan. Atheist. American. Muslim. 

Christ would look them in the eye with sincerity and treat each person with the utmost respect because they are made of skin and bones. They have souls. They breathe air. We are humanity and we are each a quilt of what others have sewn into us.

When I talk about church I feel like Veruka Salt.
I list qualities I want. I want I want I want. I feel so selfish.
Some of my education has done this to me. Some personal experiences.
Tonight as I was looking online for churches in the Triad, my heart sank. 
Cliche's, "Christianese", Imperfect people putting on a mask of perfection. 

 I told some of the Christians in my "inner circles" about my traumatic experience and their reactions were

"Well that's why I don't drink.."

"I told you living like that was a mistake....I mean I'm sorry it happened but.. I mean you've gotta know.. you were kinda asking for it..."

"Have you prayed about it?"

"So are you going to keep it?"

"God has a plan..."

"You asked for that to happen to you. You shouldn't have made those decisions."

"You should go to Bible study." 

Sometimes I think Christians need a real world study.

When every ounce of hope is ripped from your fingers, and you're in so much pain you can barely breathe to walk to your car to get away... Bible study? 
Bible study didn't get you home that night. 

 The scene replays over and over in your mind as you tell your friends and family. Each time, it's like your nerves become alive and you can feel it all happening again.
God planned... that?
You feel like running into the bathroom and locking the door. 
At least they can't hurt me. No one can hurt me if I don't exist anymore. 
I can't be a screw up anymore if... I would just... take.. those.. pills.

Yeah. I needed a bible study. Actually, I needed a hug, a professional therapist, and stable, unconditional love.

To be fair, not all hope has been lost. 

One person from my family came up and hugged me tight. So. Tight. 
She cried and hugged me for so long in front of the entire family, like she was trying to absorb some of my pain. No apologies. Just love.
That's a Christian. 

One sat across the table from me and listened as I spoke. One of the least overtly emotional people I know, tears were glistening down her cheeks. No words of wisdom. No cliches or cheerful quips to send me on my way. We just sat there a while and I knew my heart was safe being opened to her. I was feeling safe for the first time in a while. 

One special person in particular woke me up every time I had a nightmare and held me as I cried. He turned on the light, took my face in his hands, and brought me back to reality. Booze, Tattoos and Cursing like a sailor, that man is one of the most Christ-like people I know. He has to be. He forgives me over, and over, and over... and loves me like he did the day we met in the concourse at Norfolk International Airport. A quiet smile. A kiss and a hand to hold.

I could attend a church today, not because of all of the out-spoken, self-proclaimed christians but because of the Christ-like individuals I have encountered these last few months. Most of whom, don't go to church. Atheists, Buddhists, Gays... humans who have chosen to be better versions of humanity have given me hope that, somewhere out there, there is a group of Christ-followers who would welcome my family with open arms. 

This post was not intended to bash or insult those who call themselves followers of Christ. It was merely meant to explain why some of the most broken individuals choose to avoid church. For fear someone may break what's left. I'm a terrible Christian but I am sharing my story because in every church I have attended, they wanted to know how they could show others what it was like to have a family.

 Be a family. Love unconditionally.  
Be. Like. Christ.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

This Post is About The Dog

I figured I'd make it simple for you folks who don't care about my dog.


I'm becoming one of those Instagrammers who posts pictures of their dogs 24/7.. but dawwww isn't she cute?! She's pondering her little doggie existence. 


First I wanted to share with you my Petsmart Grooming experience. I'd give it a 9/10 purely because I hate numbers and nothing ever gets a 10. 

Price: Reasonable I paid $46 for a 60 pound short haired dog. Prices vary for size, hair length and add on packages.

Product: I purchased the hound package along with the "Brett Michaels Rockin Top Dog Package" Not because I have an affinity for Brett Michaels, simply because the cologne spray that comes with it is heavenly..

Service: I went to the Suffolk/Harbor View (Virginia) PetsMart in hopes that the higher income clientele would have encouraged them to hire more upstanding individuals. My groomer was Brie. She was fantastic. Buttercup took to her quickly and calmly went with her. When I picked Buttercup up, her tail was wagging and she ran straight for me. 

When you pick up your dog PetsMart gives you a report of all of the services the dog received as well as commentary and suggestions from the groomer.
Some comments Brie made we had been aware (dry skin) of but something she brought to our attention was Buttercup's right ear. She has a severe over production of wax, which lead the groomer to believe she may have a yeast infection.

Well you guys know, we're moving in a week. There is no way we can afford a vet bill right now. We have plans to take her Monday the 23rd. I made Andy promise.
So I had to go online and find some home remedies that could possibly ebb the spread of the possible yeast infection so that Buttercup wouldn't be in even worse shape on Monday due to our negligence. 

A few things I found: 
 
Garlic can be used as an antiseptic. Soak a fresh clove of garlic in olive oil overnight. In the morning, apply a few drops of the olive oil to the inside of the affected ear. Do this twice a day for at least a week.

Vitamin E Oil-  Use a syringe to place a few drops inside the ear for pain relief. (Break open a Vitamin E capsule)

Vitamin C- A daily vitamin C supplement in a dog's food can help to calm  the inflammation in the ear canal. Although one should always check with your vet before administering vitamins to your 
dog, because Vitamin C is water soluble, and any extra will simply come out in her urine, 
I researched the proper dosage for her weight (500mg/day) and have watched her daily to see the results. I suggest speaking to the vet though, many vitamins are fat soluble and can hurt the dog if they are taking too much.

Vinegar- Vinegar is acidic, so it efficiently battles the buildup of yeast bacteria in the ear. You can use Apple Cider Vinegar or White, it doesn't matter. First you clean out your dog's ears with the ear wash you can find at any local pets store. Afterward, wipe out any extra moisture with a tissue. Make a mixture of half water/half vinegar and soak a cotton swap to gently apply to the inside of the dog's ear. 

Buttercup loathes it. She runs the other way if I sit on the couch and call her to me. Heh. Poor kid.. between the Flea medication/Peppermint extravaganza and this... she'll be scarred for a while. It's a big deal to me to keep this under control until we can get her to a vet. I'm hoping the vet won't scold me. 

She's laying on the couch next to Andy while he does his piles of German homework and hasn't shown any signs of pain or discomfort as of yet. 

Well folks....

 I have been up since 4 am.. and I think it's about time for some shut eye...
but first.... dawwwww...