I had lunch with a few friends two days ago who encouraged me to be myself unabashedly and from that conversation came this blog post.
I often wonder if writers are all just narcissists, myself included.
This is the third time a friend has called me a "writer" and the third time I have scoffed.
My new therapist called me, "Incredibly self-aware," the first time that I met him.
I think this was a hint.
This is the third time a friend has called me a "writer" and the third time I have scoffed.
My new therapist called me, "Incredibly self-aware," the first time that I met him.
I think this was a hint.
Part of my not writing has been that I have stayed off of my ADHD medicine for over a year now.
It wasn't necessary for working in retail and it typically made me feel like crap.
I tend to fill my life (or at least my brain)with a lot of extras due to a need for constant stimulation. I over analyze life situations and dissect them in order to process them fully. Coping mechanism. *shrug*
Eventually I get overstimulated and need to sort it out.
In response to this reality that I live in, I started seeing a therapist again.
It's probably going to be a thing I have to do on and off for the rest of my life.
Dr. H PHD. He's pretty cool.
I went to Dr. H because I think that my standards for myself and others need to be evaluated. This idea is difficult for me, because I think I'm pretty damn empathetic. I'm beginning to realize that with the general populous I am actually a really nice person....
But.
With the people closest to me, I tend to be an overly analytical drag who can't figure out what she wants in life. I also tend to assume that everyone has these standards for themselves. This leads to copious amounts of disappointment. This is also true in regards to my expectations for myself.
I wrote this about 6 months ago when I was in a rough place but I wanted to share it because I felt it was fitting. :
Potential
It wasn't necessary for working in retail and it typically made me feel like crap.
I tend to fill my life (or at least my brain)with a lot of extras due to a need for constant stimulation. I over analyze life situations and dissect them in order to process them fully. Coping mechanism. *shrug*
Eventually I get overstimulated and need to sort it out.
In response to this reality that I live in, I started seeing a therapist again.
It's probably going to be a thing I have to do on and off for the rest of my life.
Dr. H PHD. He's pretty cool.
I went to Dr. H because I think that my standards for myself and others need to be evaluated. This idea is difficult for me, because I think I'm pretty damn empathetic. I'm beginning to realize that with the general populous I am actually a really nice person....
But.
With the people closest to me, I tend to be an overly analytical drag who can't figure out what she wants in life. I also tend to assume that everyone has these standards for themselves. This leads to copious amounts of disappointment. This is also true in regards to my expectations for myself.
I wrote this about 6 months ago when I was in a rough place but I wanted to share it because I felt it was fitting. :
Potential
Potential is like "raindrops are falling on my head.."
Potential I can't quite seem to grasp.
Trying to hold onto it but it slips
Right through my large soft hands.
I am drowning in lost potential.
The expressions when I get out of my slightly dented car with my two children from different men.
"She never has been a great driver."
"She always has had a bit of a sweet tooth."
"She had so much potential."
REWIND
New hope.
Deep breath as I enter my classes my first day back at college.
Post first husband I have finally started to feel that potential again.
"You are so intelligent, so much potential"
"Top of your class.."
Smart. Intelligent. Independent.
I need no man.
I trust no man.
I will finally be enough for myself.
I have so much potential.
4 Months later.
A mini skirt drives off of the ferry.
Home.
Stumbling up the steps
Closing the door to the bathroom.
Sobbing as the water pours over her head.
"I shouldn't have worn that mini-skirt."
Potential. Washed away with her G.P.A
Potential.
Potential.
Potential.
Potential.
If you say a word enough times it begins to lose it's meaning.
Potential is like "raindrops are falling on my head.."
Potential I can't quite seem to grasp.
Trying to hold onto it but it slips
Right through my large soft hands.
I am drowning in lost potential.
I want to make it known that I am currently not in the same place as I was when I wrote this, but I thought I would share it so that you might have a better understanding.
I'm conflicted about even sharing posts like this just like I'm conflicted about singing in public. I love to sing but I feel like doing it in public is forcing yourself on people. I suppose, if folks don't want to hear it... they don't have to read.
I won't promise to write this time. I'll just do what I can.. and be okay with that.
I'm a work in progress.
