About the Happy

Everyone has that family member, or in my case, multiple family members that take your life and compartmentalizes it for comprehension at holiday gatherings. Questions like, "So how is school?" "Are you and Andy planning on getting married?" "How is your relationship with the Lord?"

This holiday season I was pleasantly surprised that most were so busy chasing kids and grandchildren that no one had time to ask me about my life. Well, except my Aunt Akari and to be completely honest, I've been thinking about our conversation ever since.

We were discussing my mother's side of the family and how it tends to choose impractical and often, useless college majors that make little money.

 "You can say that I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one..."

It's the plague of our family. Music majors, artists, film majors.. and I wanted to major in anthropology. I've always found linguistic anthropology to be fascinating... but as I mentioned before.. ever so impractical.

My uncle mentioned that he and Akari had read this blog and thought that I was quite talented... except, in the words of Akari "It need to be a little happier... Why is so sad?"

So I decided to write a blog about the happy. Things are really, really good.

I had a birth control implant put in my arm a few months ago and have completely gone off of all anti-depressants. I've been off of them for 6+ months and I'm happy. I'm back on my ADHD meds now and I'm productive. I feel much more balanced this time around. I'm so grateful for the patient services department at my doctors office. She suggested the birth control to have a consistent stream of hormones to balance out the severe hormonal fluctuations. It has worked and I know Andy and I are both really happy.

Andy is really happy at work. His back has been bothering him but that man is such a hard worker. He's a great dad. Spends time with the boys when we can get them and Augie can't wait to see him at night when he gets home. He works late a lot but he has to and honestly, he rarely complains. I'm a very lucky girl to have found such a kind, hard working and patient man.

Augie is speaking a lot more now. Typically using single words to describe what he wants. "Juice.. Eat.. Potty.."  Rather similar to Andy in that way. (HA) Sigh.. men. He's been going to a great sitter who has a bunch of kids his age. LOVES getting up to go over there in the mornings. "Mah Bet!!!(Maribeth)" He's 2 now. Developing an opinion about everything. He get it from his mama. ;)

Haddie started Kindergarten in VA with her dad. She and I talk a few times a week via Facetime. Augie LOVES talking to her. They giggle and laugh the entire time. She's doing so well with her reading. She sees my mom about once a week and my grandmother takes her to church on most Wednesday nights. I really appreciate their involvement. She's happier there. We see her every 2 weeks or so. I miss her but it's best. I'm proud of my baby girl.

Cole's team in baseball won the tournament this summer and his football team won the championship this fall. He loves sports and wants to play basketball this winter :) Can I just say, what a sweet kid? He's not only helpful and patient with Haddie but he plays with Augie. Full of tenacity, and he's hilarious. Cole loved riding the 4-wheeler with Dad and was so much fun this weekend for Thanksgiving. Love him.

Cary is in boy scouts and seems to really enjoy it. I met the leaders recently and they seem to be really kind and accepting people. Cary LOVES video games and declared this weekend that he's going to work with computers when he gets older. He's a lot like Sam sometimes. A weird mix of Sam and Andy. It's endearing.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. The boys loved playing with Leo and Emmie in Statesville. The ride to VA was a bit long but worth it. Mom had built them a "tree-house" and gotten bikes, and a video game system for them to play with. Dad was all over the house playing with them, taking them on four-wheeler rides, going to the river. We had a big party for Augie's second birthday and mom played a trick on the kids by putting dog treats in the pinata. I believe Cary's response was, "Well that's crap..." We had candy waiting inside ;)

Life is good and stable. I'm happier than I've been in a long time.
Thanks for caring everyone. I hope you're well.

Vulnerability

One of my lamest qualities is that I DVR Criminal Minds, a television show about FBI Behavioral Analysts and profilers. They address a lot of psychology and I find it fascinating.

Today they featured a quote by one of my favorite authors of all time, Madeleine L'Engle. 

"When we were children, we used to think that when we we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable."

Vulnerability is everywhere. As adults we have made strides to harden ourselves. Vulnerability comes from genuinely feeling. Children are a prime example. They are sensitive. Their bodies may be tough, but their hearts are breakable. 

My biggest area of vulnerability is trust. I do not trust individuals to genuinely care. I assume that each person has maintained a connection with me based on some level of convenience for them. I like to be needed. It means that people don't leave. My biggest fear is being useless and alone.

It all sounds silly and over dramatic when I put it like that. Putting words to genuine emotion usually does. If you think about it, you can probably tell what your spouse's or parent's areas of vulnerability are. How intensely they react when those buttons are pushed. Negative reactions based on fear of vulnerability. 

Something that we must realize is, we are all vulnerable. It is human nature. Some take medications to treat their fear of vulnerability. Some get in shape so they can fight off their rapist every single day. Some always have the newest cars, the best houses so they can make sure their children never have to suffer with the embarrassment they did. Some look at the world and just feel overwhelmed. "I am only one person," they say to themselves, "How do I protect the ones I love from this pain?" 

The answer? We can't. We can try and fight. Shield. Control. Make smart choices. Beat everyone out of our lives except who we deem as "safe".. but it doesn't work. To live this way is to perpetuate our fears. We keep them in front of us. We make ourselves miserable. Ulcers.. anxiety attacks.. separation from the world... but all of that doesn't work! We still experience pain. We are all still vulnerable. 

"The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it,  or to escape what is bad in it.... but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."

-Wendell Berry

As a mother, many of my decisions have been based on a fear of having my children experience what I have. I scare myself. I don't want them to be broken by me, but that fear does almost as much damage. I have to choose daily to admit my lack of perfection, to admit my vulnerability and to show love and compassion to my children. To help them up when they fall, even though I told them 4 times to NOT JUMP ON MY BED.... I hug them and I kiss their bruises. 

Admitting vulnerability means that you're free to love. 

The opposite of love is fear. 

The opposite of happiness is fear.

The opposite of living is dying.

Don't be afraid. Accept your flaws. 

Do your best to improve upon them, and live just live. 

Life in abundance.

"Momma!"

"Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come more effective action." -Peter Drucker

The house is growing quiet again. 

After a weekend filled with love, laughter, some crying aaaand very possibly some tempter tantrums... it's quiet.  Although I relish my quiet time, having the kids around makes me feel important. More than that though, I'm able to love them so completely. I can make them smile when I make food they enjoy.. or just play soccer outside. When they find a new shirt that I bought... or just to offer warm morning cuddles. Andy turned to me today and said.. "Thanks for caring about our family, Sarah.." and gave me a kiss. I do. I really really do. 

Sometimes I get caught up in myself.

I know. 

I'm making vast strides to change that.

I don't think one is supposed to admit these things in our society. Admitting fault makes a person vulnerable to critique. Even in the church, one can admit some things... but not all things. All of this opaque or faux stability not only hurts the person holding it in, but it also hurts those around them who could find peace.. knowing they're not alone in the world. 

I started this blog as a story about our search for a home. It has become a letter of my heart. I plan on continuing into a sequel. A 2 dvd package. The happily ever after. It's dangerous, this thing I'm doing. Scary. Although I have been working some, I will try my best to accurately tell this tale. I hope you all join me for the ride. I hope each of you know that respectful transparency is something I appreciate whole heartedly. Disrespectful transparency sometimes must be tolerated because sometimes the harsh truth is needed. 

The ability to maintain complete honesty as opposed to idealized reality is the mark of a true friendship.

Well friends, it's time to take Haddie to see her daddy. I hope y'all come visit ;)

xoxo

Sarah

Chick-fil-a, Chex, and Sylvia Plath

I've taken to Sylvia Plath of late. She writes with a depth of spirit that is rare. Almost everything she writes impacts the "tuned in" individual. She writes:

"For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn.” 

It's as if everything she writes is a revelation. "Yes! Someone finally put words to that emotion!" 

I have a friend who many of you know. He works for a large charity organization and writes a blog about the confusion that exists within the Church today. He tries to make sense of it all and help others to do the same. I appreciate this friend and his wife. Their drive to put action behind their words is... Christ-like. 

My friend likes to use the word "marginalized" a lot. It's the smart people word for people who do not accurately conform to societal expectations. People who don't fit in. Whatever the "norm" may be, these people are not it. He wrote a blog once about the Chick-fil-a/Oreo/Homosexuality debacle a few years back. I think he received more response than he had expected. He responded to each with respect, despite the incredibly long Facebook threads. I admire this man. Someone back home, buy him a box of Chex Cereal and a gallon of whole milk for me. ;)

A beautiful girl I know cheated on her husband. Her circumstances were not unique but she has become such a beautiful person despite these choices she made. Her children are golden. Her marriage is human, but operating comfortably. Still, she is marginalized.  Her mistakes follow her daily. I've witnessed her being the one everyone is exasperated with. Sure.. she's always late.. but she's probably helping someone in need, or loving her children. 

I wish I were more like this woman who cheated on her husband. Sometimes, she's so beautiful and fierce she makes me uncomfortable, but then she smiles and you can tell she's 100% full of love and acceptance. 

Who are these people in your life?

The people who exist outside of your comfort zone. 

The issue is you. You don't like them because they make you uncomfortable. 

Does that not then, make their marginalization your problem? Not theirs?

Some of us live our lives on display. Believe it or not, I do not like to be the center of attention (I have too many flaws-- obviously) but I do not believe in conformity for conformity's sake. It is difficult for me to be still and quiet in the face of what seems to be injustice. By marginalizing one another, we are defining each other by our life circumstances and not by our character. We are at a loss, my friends!

I hope you all can come over for dinner sometime ;) I'll be posting pictures of our renovations soon!

xoxo

Sarah

Salutations

Hello Friends,

Hello People who aren't my friends,

Hello Random reader who could be my friend,

Let's recap.

No house.

Live with Andy's Parents.

Tubal litigation

Nervous breakdown.

PMDD diagnosis. Who knew?

Treatment.

Stabilization.

Realization that I'm becoming one of those people with a list of diseases. 

Plus side? I'm really lucky because there are treatments for all of them and for the last month I have been more stable and happy than I have been in a long time.

Andy has been... amazing. It is as if this situation has turned on some light bulbs for both of us. It's hard not to see it as a blessing. He has developed a determination to be a stable father and husband. He wants us to spend time as a family. We went to Dan Nicholas last weekend with some friends. It was so fantastic. He has also been seeing a therapist twice a month to help to work through that stuff we all have to deal with. Some of us can work it out on our own, and some need a little assistance. Andy was one of the best choices I ever made. I have serious respect for his work ethic and determination. I'll stop I'll stop! Sorry, it's hard not to gush.

We've signed a lease for a rental home! My mom told me that I could make anything look like it was out of an HGTV special (As my darling friend Katie would say, "Ain't she sweeeeeet?") and although I don't think that is entirely accurate, I've decided to give it my best shot. I have painted the kitchen cabinets teal and the walls yellow. My bathroom is orange, my couch is bright red. I'm filling my new home with hope and happy colors. Warmth, comfort and low stress is the goal. This will mean organization... because it's not a huge house.. but there are a few pluses. Specifically the school system. It's in Jamestown which is one of the best areas in Guilford County.

Augie (16 mo) is running around like a crazy kid these days. I have dubbed him the Minister of Silly Walks because he wants to go faster than his short little legs will take him... and tends to waddle. He says, "Hey!", "Daa-deee", "Ma!" and various other grunts. He knows where his belly button is and thinks his nose is his mouth. He likes to destroy things I clean. He likes peanut butter and jelly and if he's ever fussy in the car, I have to play Ellie Goulding and he'll just start dancing. He sings and dances to his own little tune.. "Yeah yeah yeah yeah...."I love that kid.

Every time I talk to Haddie she sounds so happy. She has been staying with my mom and grandmother a few times a week and from what I understand, she is going back to her old daycare for a little while until Kindergarten. She has become incredibly articulate and wants to understand how everything works. I see so much potential in that child. She even wrote her first song with my grandmother the other day. (My little genius)

Cary (7) is in that in between stage.. between little boy and preteen. He still loves to cuddle on the couch and watch movies... but he also loves to play his dad in put put. He gets on the ground and shoots the golf ball like he's shooting pool. He always has an interesting perspective on the world. I hate to correct him on technically inaccurate information sometimes because I love how out of the box he thinks. He loves to draw and he loves music. He is playing baseball this year, which he can't quite decide how he feels about. On one hand, he wants to be just like his big brother and on the other, he hits foul balls that smack him square in the eye.-- No lie.. but he still persevered and continued to hit. I can't wait to see how he develops.

Cole (10... going on 25) is so freaking cool. He's incredibly smart and notices everything. We have so much fun together. The other night, when Cary didn't eat his dinner, just Cole and I went to Coldstone and had a really good time. He tells me stories about his life, the things he loves and the people he loves and I rarely want the car rides to end. He's a sports nut. Andy told him he may want to consider other options just in case something happens and sports as a career don't work out. Cole's eyes may as well have read "Does Not Compute". He's driven, and stubborn and strong. Every once in a while you can see his sweet little boy side and it's like you fall in love all over again.

I'm exhausted but I wanted to write this to say,

  "He who has a 'why' to live, can bear almost any 'how'.." Friedrich Nietzsche

Life can stack stone after stone on your back but eventually they erode and peace fills their cracks. You are not alone in this world. That thing that is plaguing your mind, someone else is plagued too. No one has to wear the facade of "got it all together" anymore. Take the things that make you different and embrace them. Welcome them like old friends and refurbish them, making them useful.

All my love
xoxo
Sarah

Movement...

I was watching Soul Pancake (Rainn Wilson's upstart- aka Dwight Shrute) and came across a sweet video that they had posted on January 23rd. It was called, "A letter to a person on their first day here..." but I think it should just be a letter to every person.  Here's an excerpt:

"Some days gross things will happen. Some days awesome things will happen. Some days you’ll get ice cream. Some days you won’t. Some days your kite will fly high. Some days it gets stuck in a tree. That’s just how it is here.

There’s plenty of reasons to dance. You just got to look for them. Don’t worry though. You won’t be doing this alone. You’re going to meet lots of people here. Some of them will be really nice and some won’t be. It’s not that they can’t be. It’s just – maybe they’re just having a bad day.

Being a person is hard sometimes. You should give people high fives just for getting out of bed. Oh, high fives! I forgot to explain that. How do I explain this? Um…It’s kind of high fives are like hitting someone who is your friend. Uh, that’s really bad.

Just treat everybody like it’s their birthday even if they don’t deserve it, because we all mess up sometimes. The biggest mess up? Not forgiving each other’s mess ups.

Maybe you’ll be a teacher. Maybe you’ll be President. Maybe you’ll cure every disease ever. You might even see the Grand Canyon, swim in the ocean. Oh this is so, so much. It’s a lot. Try this, take a breath. Isn’t that amazing? It’s called breathing! You’re going to do it a lot. But nobody knows exactly how much. So enjoy it.

Pay attention. Take brain pictures, because amazing things will happen every day. You’re going to do so much. But it’s not about what you do. It’s about who you are.

You? You’re awesome. You were made that way. You were made from love, to be love, to spread love. Love is always louder, no matter what. Even if hate has a bullhorn, love is louder. So let your life be loud. Let’s shout to the world. Things can be better! It’s okay about all the mess ups! Corn dogs rule! Sorry, I just keep bringing that up.

I don’t think I told you this yet. We’re really glad you’re here. We don’t say that enough to each other here because, well, life gets busy.

You’re going to be important and you’re going to do a lot and you’re going to smell great. But don’t get too busy.

Remember to let everybody know you’re glad they’re here. You don’t have to remember all of this right now. You’re going to need a pep talk sometimes. And that’s okay.

For now, remember this: You’re awake. You’re awesome. Live like it."

While I was watching the video my heart kept lurching. What a message. 

I don't think these things get said enough. Dr. Seuss said, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that it you-er than you."  

Be encouraged, friends :) "Even if hate has a bullhorn, love is louder. So let your life be loud. Lets shout to the world. Things can be better! It's okay about all the mess ups!"

Dear Diary, I mean... Dear friends.. family.. and billions of others I don't know....

I haven't written on this is about a week +, for good reason.

To name a few:

- embarrassment.Not everyone can say they suffered a nervous breakdown... on the internet.

- confusion. I had no idea what I would say if I were to sit and try to type.

- time. I spent a week in Virginia with my Aunt Melissa and Uncle Ron. 

- I was enjoying myself too much to approach the elephant in the room. 

- I have been rather worried about what may come out were I to start writing....

Here Mister Elephant...

So here's how I explained it to Andy... some people choose depression, some people have it forced on them genetically, and some have it forced on them... period. Unlike other lifelong health issues, depression can not be cured by switching to water instead of diet Pepsi. Also, depression isn't a coping mechanism(a way people deal with bad stuff...), its an inability to cope.

Part of my writing this blog, is saying that I am okay with what I am. I am okay enough to put it on display for thousands (3500 to be exact) of people to read and have the ability to make commentary. This is not a cry for attention. This is my heart, in hopes that those who may struggle with being human can have hope. There are good days and there are bad days. There are pregnancies and losses, and the hormonal fluctuations that follow each. My first trip to the hospital was immediately followed by my starting my period for the first time since the loss of my pregnancy. Yeah. I'd say there was more to the past few weeks than black and white mental instability.

First: Andy dumped all of my medications down the toilet a few weeks ago. Anti-depressants, ADHD.. all of it and I am on things that doctors don't just refill. I hope that this blog post is concise and comprehensible.

Second: When one has PTSD, it can take some time to heal. Heal... not just bury. I buried my feelings on all of this for months. I am addressing these issues one at a time, but it takes time.

Third: It is a well known fact among those who have been placed on the ADHD spectrum, that one's life is generally filled with unwise choices, confusion and sometimes mass hysteria. This is an incredibly common occurrence. This fact alone allows me to look at myself in the mirror every day. I was trying to live life like a normal person. Now I live life like a normal person with ADHD. It requires organization (I bought a calendar book...), therapy- generally for the choices you make and coping with them..., often medication... but that's not mandatory and the ability to breathe through one's brain clutter and calm the mind.

Finally: When one has ADHD, and PTSD (all the acronyms!!!!) in combination with one another, it can be very difficult to progress. I was warned about this months and months ago by a man with 50 years of experience in the mental health field. Part of progressing is accepting that having these fears and feelings is natural and healthy. To not be affected would be the opposite. Part of my regression has been the lack of control I have had over the last few months. The house, the baby... I couldn't change anything.

Looking at my life has been difficult. I tend to see the overall picture instead of living day by day. That's generally the problem. One day at a time is difficult when those around you don't understand it or you. I am realizing that in writing this blog, while making myself transparent for those who may need reassurance (nothings better than knowing someone else is crazier than you ;) I was also opening myself up for misunderstanding. For example, after one of my blogs.. my best friend called the cops thinking that I had made a real suicide attempt, when a few days prior I had taken a large quantity of Klonopin. Andy realized something was wrong immediately and asked me how many I had taken, when I told him, he had me throw them up. I had taken around 6 times the recommended amount, 6 pills.

I had hoped that writing this blog could help some of you to understand the girl behind the life choices and with some it has. My aunt and uncle listened patiently for almost 3 hours, asking questions, wanting to understand. They treated me with respect and honor.The time I spent with them did my heart some serious good. During that time I decided to request that Haddie go to live with her father on a more permanent basis, not because my heart does not ache every time I walk into her bedroom or fold her clothes... but because I know that her family is there. She is so much happier where she is. It breaks my heart to not be able to play with her curls and watch a movie after Augie goes to bed... I talked to her tonight and her sigh after she said, "I miss you.." made me cry, but she IS better off there. Haddie needs a significant amount of one on one attention. I have a hard enough time maintaining normal attention, let alone the extensive amounts needed for her to properly and confidently develop.

I love my kids. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. If I didn't, I don't think this blog would exist. I don't know how to cope with the events that have transpired in the last 3-5 years. I am sure that each of you would have dealt with these things differently. Many would have, but that's the beauty of humanity isn't it? We're all so very different. I am simply a complex creation of millions of circumstances and choices made by each of us.

I love you all and I want to say thank you to the women who stuck with me. The private messages on Facebook, the text messages, the hey hey hey hey hey hey SARAH.. TALK TO ME SARAH. I needed you. Thank you for not letting me go. The few of you know who you are. I love you. I love you. I love you. You are so very special to me.

Foundations

Foundation. Merriam-Webster has about five different definitions for the word, but the one that I like the best goes as follows: a body or ground upon which something is built up or overlaid.

The word brings to mind concrete, cinder blocks, or large stones. Something hard. Something strong. Something capable of supporting immense weights.

The keystone is another weight-bearing device. Again, Merriam-Websters has several definitions but my favorite is: something on which associated things depend for support. Keystones are interesting and different from foundations. Without them the arch cannot stand, but they also need foundations. The keystone does not support the weight of the arch, but is the single most important piece in it.

There are several different kinds of foundations in the construction industry. Slab-on-grade foundations are shallow foundations that are most often constructed of reinforced concrete. Slab-on-grade foundations can be built quickly and are relatively inexpensive to build. The function of a slab-on-grade foundation is not to resist or limit the amount of heave that might occur beneath a slab foundation, but to move up and down with the shrink and heave. Slab-on-grade houses do not have basements. Shallow foundations are susceptible to seasonal movement from rainfall, drought, freeze/thaw cycles, and temperature changes and transpiration of moisture thru the roots of large plants and trees. These types of foundations are meant to be flexible with their environment. Not to resist changes, but to kind of move with them.

Pier and beam foundations, as the name suggests, are a concrete footing and pier which supports wood beams and floor joists. These foundations usually have crawl spaces underneath the home. These types of foundations would appear to have all the weight supported in a few spaces, instead of spread out over the space of a whole slab. One would think that there would be immense amounts of pressure in a small area with this set up.

Basements are most often constructed in northern climates where freeze/thaw conditions occur and the footing depth must extend beneath the frost line—often four or more feet below the surface. In many of these cases, builders will go ahead and excavate for a basement and build basement walls that provide the support for the house. The bottom of the basement is typically below the depth over which the majority of the soil’s shrink or swell due to climate occurs. Basements can suffer basement floor heave and lateral wall movement, however. Deep foundations reach depths that are not normally affected by seasonal environmental changes and are considered to be out of the zone of influence.

There are a multitude of other types of both shallow and deep foundations. Each of these have their benefits and drawbacks. Slab on grade is meant to go with the flow. Deep foundations are meant to be so deep that nothing affects them.

The major benefit to going with the flow is that the foundation moves with what’s under it and doesn’t upset the things that it supports all that much. Going with the flow, however, can take you places that you do not want to go, that are out of your comfort zone, if you let it. Deep foundations are strong. They’re meant to be. Rigid, unbending, immovable. All these can be great charactristics to build upon. However, if things are to rigid, when something moves, the foundation may just crack and break because it is so inflexible, and the whole thing comes crashing down.

This leads us to what in the world do you do if your foundation breaks, cracks, or becomes incapable of supporting the weight that it once did?

 

Do you discard your house? Just give it up for a new one? Do you just say “Ah, it’s just too much trouble to deal with. “ What if you love your home and do not want to give it up? Well in that case you do what you have to do to repair your foundation.  You may have to jack up your house, show the foundation some TLC, then set the house back down on it. Sometimes you can just fill in underneath the foundation with more concrete, thereby giving it the support it needs to continue doing its job. Other times the cracks maybe small and merely cosmetic, but you still should address these as soon as possible, lest they become bigger cracks, and bigger problems. A lot of money and a lot of time can be invested in fixing your foundation. But, you have to remember, that you are protecting your most valuable asset.

Imagine being someone’s foundation, or keystone. The rock that they build on. Their very lives. This is a big responsibility. A person might be fine with it at first. Able to support all that weight. They may even come to grow accustomed to it and love it. But sooner or later, just like any foundation that is built on imperfect ground (and we are all imperfect), you will crack. Hell, you may have been cracked to begin with and the cracks just weren’t noticeable. If you crack or were already cracked, then eventually whats built on top of you will crack and began to lean. If you are someone else’s foundation, who fixes you when you are broke? If we use the construction analogy, who, or what supports the weight while you are being fixed? What if you are dealing with a dual foundation issue? This is when you are someone’s foundation and they are yours. What do you do when your both broken? Spit and glue? That repair will not last long, and the damage will come back, often worse than before. Maybe you fix one up proper, and then come back and fix the other. Do you just throw it all away, and build a new foundation on someone else? I think I prefer to spend my time, effort, and money (which is not necessarily currency) to repair the foundation. I want to stay in the house that I love so much. It has it’s little, shall we say, imperfections, but I would not love it if it were any other way. All great houses have little imperfections. Little things that make them…well….them. I don’t know how I will go about jacking myself up and repairing the cracks, but I think that a wise woman has given me an idea of where to start. And just like a concrete foundation, I’ve sucked up a lot of moisture, and it’s already started to crack me. I’ve been cracked for some time. I need repairing, and the easiest way to repair something is to get rid of what is causing the cracks, then you repair them. So, I think that sometime soon, I too will start spitting out all the moisture that is getting in the very fiber of my being and cracking me. Then maybe the repair process can begin. Then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to be that foundation that is needed again.

Thanks for listening....Andy

The Wisdom to Know the Difference....

"I have some experience in dealing with people who have mental illness and depression, but I didn't see the signs in myself. I couldn't ask for help because I didn't know I needed help."- Clara Hughes

Before I began writing this, my hands sat still on the keyboard a while. Questions like, "What do I say? What do I not say? How do I say it?" flashed through my brain. Judgement and assumptions that people would make danced around in my brain like Liesl and Friedrich (The Sound of Music) in that glass atrium. 

Gail Porter says,"I want to break down some of the stigma associated with mental illness."

I suppose that's why I'm writing this. You see, this weekend I was admitted into High Point Regional's Behavioral Health unit for PTSD, severe depression and anxiety.

My brain is similar to a large pot of spaghetti. All of my thoughts, pressures, joys and concerns are all connected but in my case, that spaghetti is a part of a whirling vortex. The added spaghetti noodles eventually caused collapse. I couldn't see a way out of our issues.  

Honestly?  I didn't want to live anymore.

Spaghetti Vortex 

Instead of going through with it, I called my therapist Kathie. She was very kind to me and encouraged me to check myself into the hospital where I could take a break from the whirlwind and get my head on straight. I am so glad I went. Embarrassed, but glad. I met some beautifully broken people with hearts the size of Texas. Bigger heart=more square footage for those knives to dig in. I was blessed to be there.

My self esteem is crappy. Instead of getting defensive when someone critiques me (generally very passive aggressively) I often accept it, take it to heart, and then use it as a baseball bat to beat myself every time I screw something up. Please don't respond to this post with a "But Sarah... you're so.."
I'm just being honest. I need "me" time to take care of myself but I can't justify it.

I over analyze everything... really... everything. "Me" time is a few moments where I can sort out some of the calamity and make room for the next. I haven't had much of that lately... but neither has Andy. The kids need us, the house is perpetually dirty even though I just cleaned it.

I spent 4 days there creating a new stereotype for myself.
Hello, my name is Sarah, and I have a problem.
My brain is broken.
Something about the body not producing enough serotonin blah blah.

My heart aches.
For the guy who was next to me in the emergency room.
He was faking pain so that he could get pain killers.
For my friend Daniel, detoxing from a Heroin/Cocaine addiction, and terrified that he wouldn't make it to a long term rehab facility in time. Terrified for his wife and 6 kids.
Wondering if his life would be lost to this chemical his body craves.
For the abused. For the weak. For the woman who blacks out in anger due to a bipolar disorder and wakes up to a mistake she can't undo.

It's all so heavy.
Does it weigh on you too?
The brokenness of the human race is screaming for mercy.

My heart can't handle reality.
That's why I've always written stories in my head.
Pharmaceutical companies created short term relief in the form of Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I feel like an old woman. I need one of those pill sorters.

I have considered going to a longer program (30 days or so...) to really pull myself and my thinking back to something more stable. Unfortunately, nothing like that exists...well not that insurance will pay for. So, I've been in touch with local facilities that do Intensive Outpatient treatment three days a week. I don't know if that will teach me to "accept the things I can't control.." (The Serenity Prayer) but it's a step in the right direction. Eventually, I'll make a really banging spaghetti.

Humble Salve On An Open Wound...

“Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

So I've been thinking. This isn't uncommon. 

As a matter of fact, Andy was watching a television show where the female lead's boyfriend shouted,"There you go! Analyzing everything. Every tiny little detail... can't you just stop over thinking it?" 

He turned to me and smiled, "That sounds like you..."

I've been thinking about the divide between the Christian and the Non-Christian community, one which I seem to walk a strange line between.  

As a faithful, repentant, flawed, but fearful for my soul, church attendee for 20+ years I am writing this based on my own experiences. I understand that we as humans were created very diverse. So when we read the Bible or discuss society, our understanding may not be the same, but this isn't about our understanding of the Bible, the way our pastor preaches or the way our women dress. 

This is about how we treat other humans. 

I was born white,  and raised middle class,  and predominantly church going.

 No sex before marriage. No smoking, no drugs.. 

but yeah Mom and Dad did like their Rock-n-Roll. 

They raised my brother and I to the best of their abilities. Like all humans, they had flaws and yes, we now have dings and scratches of our own.. but they love us and to me, that's what matters. I sang on the worship team and I tried and tried to connect with this God. I wanted to make sure that everyone around me was convinced of my spirituality... when I had no idea what spirituality meant. I simply knew, that if I didn't get it figured out soon, I'd be screwed. 

Like burning in hell, my whole life would be crap and I'd be miserable for all eternity. 

I slept with my boyfriend when I was 18. Were speculators narrating this they may say that this was when Sarah's "Christian Walk" went down hill. We got married because, how could we continue in this sin? This abomination. We had a few crazy years. I had daddy issues and he just wanted to be a teenage boy. We got married before we knew what being alive meant. How could we value the life of another? Haddie came and around a year after, he privately asked me for a divorce, which I readily agreed to. 

In the last almost 4 years, I have come full circle back to this thing called Christianity. 

A walk that we are each taking. 

A walk is such a beautiful thought isn't it? 

When I go on a walk I breathe in through my nose and analyze the colors and the trees.

 I immerse myself in my surroundings. 

I could just walk, and walk, and walk.

Isn't that what this is supposed to be about?

 Isn't there supposed to be a peace that passes understanding? 

Aren't we supposed to be full of joy and love? 

Then why do we sit around and complain?

It's miserable this, constant critiquing on ones self. "I am nothing..."

You are something. You are a human. A miracle. That single cell connected with your father's single cell in the uterus and created YOU. Living, breathing, thinking, feeling, YOU.

We complain about the government (but hey.. I think both sides are beginning to do that...)

Complain about society, how it just keeps getting worse and worse. 

How we all "just can't wait until Jesus comes back."

I'll fly away oh glory, I'll fly away in the morning. When I die Hallelujah by and by.. 

I'll fly away.

If you're so focused on heaven, doesn't it defeat the purpose of even existing on Earth?

Oh wait, life is actually Mario Bros' and our purpose is to pick up as many gold coins (conversions) before the timer runs out. These gold coins will be used to build our mansions in our golden heavenly suburbs.

Need groceries? Use something else because the value of gold is going to drop dramatically. 

Sure we're all human, but shouldn't the majority of what comes out of our mouths be enlightened? Full of excitement and love?

Look! Look at this life I am living! I am so very satisfied. 

Instead we spend our days fixing people.

 "Did you hear about Susanne? She changed her Facebook status from "Married" to "It's Complicated". Do you think we should invite her to our woman's bible study?"

No. Please don't.

 Well yes, you can but do it after privately asking her to coffee, where you let her build her trust in you. Establish a relationship and a few weeks later after she has explained her marital frustrations maybe invite her. Or suggest a kind counselor you know. Or just send her flowers one day. Find something cute on amazon and text it to her. 

Do not, and I mean do NOT criticize her lack of willingness to attend church when things get heavy. Go to her home. Help her lift her burden. Be what you say you are. Like Christ. The man who took the hand of the prostitute, prostrate on the ground in front of him and smiled at her. In a country where men reign supreme, he made her feel alive, human. 

Didn't Jesus say that he, "Came to bring life and life more abundantly," and aren't we supposed to be the body of Christ? The physical embodiment of "life more abundantly"?

This walk isn't about racking up gold coins. 

Streets of purity sound much more attractive to me anymore.

Sure, an escape from my inner ache sounds like such a relief but I get that I'm here to make others feel whole and when I do, I feel less achy and a little closer to heaven. 

The divide between humanity's "good" and "evil" is not nearly as stark as we seem to think it is. You are not "better" than the man who fell prey to drugs,

prey...

 he was allured by an available release to the steam-like pain that has bottled up inside of him

.

Sin is sin. The sin the evangelical church is so passionate about, homosexuality, is just as sinful as when you lost your patience with your child this morning and hurt their feelings.

You got lucky. Do you hear me? Lucky.

Nothing you have done in your life has put you where you are now. 

Chance. Christians like Michael W. Smith have their children accidentally hit by a car. 

God could have stopped that. 

Do you think Michael must have not read and obeyed the Bible in a while? NO!

There is no magical obedience, success formula for this.

Humanity's flaws make life suck but we have to carry on. 

We are supposed to be the salve on an open wound. 

I'm convinced that Christians don't have to "convert" anyone. 

We still sin, which makes us a sinner and if our sin is just as bad as their sin...

we don't have to change anyone. We just have to be humble and open.

Beautifully broken.

Simply love the Lord your God with all of our heart soul and mind...

and love our neighbors like we love ourselves.

The Cheese Grater and the Beautifully Broken

One of my most blatant defense mechanisms is to catalog  or stereotype people. Granted, they're detailed stereotypes but poop is poop and calling it a pretty name isn't going to make it smell better. 

Some may call me naive, but I believe in the innate or natural goodness of humanity. Many Eastern philosophers believe similarly. That we are born perfect and whole (spiritually speaking... one's soul/heart/inner self) but evil, pain, dysfunction and jealousy slowly chip away at our being. There was a song that we sang when I attended church that had the lines..."Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered." and for a very long time I understood "Broken" to mean something similar to that of a horse that you train. That God was trying to break me into submission, make me wholly dependent, like some insecure parent trying to hold onto their strong child. I don't think that's what it means though. 

I was reading a bit of Confucius this morning. Don't we all? I know some of you would probably say, yes and others would ask who the heck he was. ha. Anyway...  I came across a quote where he says, 

"Hold onto it and it will remain. Let go of it and it will disappear. One never knows the time it comes or goes, neither does one know the duration." 

We have a choice when bad things happen. 
We can choose to hold onto ourselves, or let them go to float away with the pain.

 I have met individuals since I have moved to North Carolina who are what I would call "beautifully broken". They have lived through hell, and sure... we dysfunctional black sheep all bear scars, but these women have chosen to hold onto their humanity, and their hearts have expanded. Beautifully broken hearts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day I said something for the first time that I genuinely meant, "I hate humans." That honestly took me aback. I've never been that way. I don't WANT to be that way. 

I've decided to take every chance to see the beauty in humanity. When I listen to a girl talk about her regrets or negative choices, a flood of warmth fills my heart, almost an ache. Empathy maybe? I feel like my heart is saying, "Been there done that signed my t-shirt a few years back... I'm sorry you've been hurt.." 

I'm sorry your heart has been adulterated. 

I think that this innately good mindset gives us a love and respect for our fellow humans. We're not asking them to constantly critique themselves in an attempt to make them more into our own standard of perfection. Instead, we understand that bad things have happened to all of us and we do our best to address the holes that life has made.

I challenge to think of the person that you avoid.

The person who's company feels like a cheese grater against your soul.

The one you gossip, or rant about with your friends.

Now, think of them as innately good. 

Or that their hearts and intentions are not controlled by a drive to hurt you.

 What things have happened to them to break them?

Maybe you could name three things that you could appreciate about them.

Next time you see them, put yourself in this same mindset and I guarantee you, 

the cheese grater won't feel quite so much like the Hulk is using it. 

DISCLAIMER:

I have to warn you.

This slowly removes the sandbags that you have placed around your heart. Some broken individuals haven't been able to hold the shattered pieces of their soul together. These pieces come flying out like daggers when someone gets too close. These individuals are the most in need of your understanding and kindness. You don't have to set yourself up for pain, but sometimes you can't avoid it. Jesus said to, "Turn the other cheek.." Christian or not, that concept keeps you whole. Be kind anyway. Bitterness only eats you alive.

If you're going through a rough period in your life, just remember that there is a strength and a beauty that comes from pain if you let it. Hold onto your humanity. 

Continuing My Year In Review...

Shameless advertisement: Make sure you place an order for my Thirty-one party by the 18th of January! With the majority of the proceeds I will be purchasing bags for the local women's shelter. You can buy them yourself and have them shipped to me, or place an order for yourself and simply buying yourself something will help someone else. If any donations would like to be made directly, you can send them to my paypal at sarahcardman.pureromance@gmail.com. 

Here's the link to place an order.

  http://www.mythirtyone.com/310905

For today, I have three questions I'm going to answer.
I had a glass of V8 spilled on my Macbook yesterday, so I fell behind a bit.
The 3 questions go as follows:
1. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

When I saw this question I laughed out loud, literally. 

Honestly, the worst part was realizing that I'm human just like everyone else. 

I'm not immune to hardship... and part of me has begun to ask questions about why. 

There are Christians who may say that the reason Andy and I are experiencing these things is that we aren't married. "Living in Sin.." My answer to that is, everyone lives in sin. 

We each choose to make selfish choices daily.  

Now if you wanted to say that we haven't been organized or planned ahead as much as we should have? Then yes, Yes.. I will agree with you... BUT no one can foresee a child trying to open a packet of off-brand Ritz crackers and wacking her brother's sippy cup (that I hadn't screwed the lid on completely) completely across the table and onto my laptop. 

2. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

There has been so many! 

• Celebrating my birthday with my best friend, Jennifer for the first time in years!
• The ability to see Jennifer's son grow and develop, and having him recognize me.
• Meeting people like Katie, Trey, Karol and Andy, aka people who have kids the same ages as ours and are actually fun to spend time with. I love the warmth in their eyes when I'm greeted at the door and the sweet text messages I get out of the blue that just say, "Thank you for being my friend.."
• Living with Andy's parents has given me an insight into who Andy is and it has also allowed me to get to know them really well. They are both aging quickly and I'm blessed that my children have been able to develop relationships with them. Augie thinks the world of them both.
• Buttercup, our 70lb 4 year old (ish) hound/lab mix. She is so perfect for our family. She loves to cuddle. She'll let Augie hug her and play with her ears or collar. She doesn't go to the bathroom in the house and well.. we just love her. 

  

  Augie and Buttercup not long after we got her.

3. What was an unexpected obstacle this year?

I know everyone who reads this blog probably thinks they know the answer to this question

 but I'm going to answer it anyway. 

My biggest unexpected obstacle was the sickening attitudes and selfishness involved in our housing debacle. 

Losing our investment property and about 1500$ in earnest money deposits, VA inspections etc was unexpected, but it wasn't my biggest.  

My biggest was having to stand and listen to someone berate the love of my life for mistakes made years ago, and acknowledge that our lives matter nothing

. Despite the effect that our lives have on the children. 

I'm still heartbroken over it. 

So those are the questions, answered.

Please check out the thirty-one website! 

There are multiple price points for every budget!

If I cannot have a home at the moment,

 I will help others receive comfort that I have so graciously been given. 

Help me by helping them :)

It Begins..

My new amigo Danielle and I decided to do a New Years Blog Challenge. 

Today is January 4th so I guess I'll just start with number 1. 

The single best thing that happened in 2013. 

I am terrible at rating things. I never give anything a 10. I need a life rubric. 

"Does this event meet all of the 'number one' qualifications?"

After seeking inspirational music, twiddling my thumbs, flossing my teeth and making some tea, I've concluded that continuing my education was my number one thing. Before this year I would have never picked up Voltaire, or Vonnegut.

I never thought I was capable of comprehending them and instead I've fallen in love. 

 In the past, I relied on others to decipher and I was able to decide my opinions based on their analysis. It does something for your spirit when your English teacher tells you that your paper was the best in the class or when your Art History teacher writes you personalized notes about how much she enjoyed your critique. 

I get it.

 I actually understand something. 

I'm smart... or something. 

Maybe I just care...

Whatever it is, I'm much more confident. 

My brother Sam was always the "smart" one.

He's got that insane ability to recall pretty much anything.
If I want someone to talk about, "Hey you remember that time..." Sam's the one to call.
He also just had a baby with his wife Heidi this year... and I've gotta say, I'm in love.
Sam may still say he's the smart one... ;)

but I feel much more confident in my own intelligence now than I ever have.

So... thank you college education.
 You have instilled something that I've never had... true self-worth.

'Merica.... the Land of the Not So Brave.

We're a society of control freaks, we Americans.. 

Some have fathers who push them out of the chair at the dinner table for getting a "B" on their report cards... Born with a sense of right and wrong like most humans, they take on the world... trying to define it. Black and white encompasses everything... leaving no room for grey. 

Some have mothers who have a bipolar episode in front of an entire church and leave them scared of confrontation... always searching for something secure. 

Some have husbands who cheat. 

There are women do everything in their power to try to make him happy hoping to make sure he doesn't cheat again, which does nothing but destroy their own identity.... and others nail his balls to the ground and find a more fiscally responsible man to protect their interests. Neither ever really finds happiness.

Some have wives who ignore them, making them feel ugly and unwanted.

 Many cope by finding a younger,  more carefree female who..

 inevitably does the same thing a few years later...

Some are rape victims. Looking into the face of their rapist daily. 

Coping by proving the world wrong. 

We use our intelligence to give us worth. If we're smart enough, we can get a good job, make tons of money and never have to stress about finances anymore. 

We use our looks. If I'm pretty enough, or put enough effort into my hair today, that man who is looking to ensure his own place on the planet will like me.. and take care of me. 

We're all unsure. We're all searching. Some say we've been found.. but more often than not.. we know it's not really true. We all say we know... but do we? Or all we all hoping we know?

Life is like a boat driving above huge schools of fish and dropping hundreds of small rocks right on top of them. Some of the rocks are large enough to hurt.. some not...but they all send the fish scurrying. Brothers, Mothers, Mates.. all running into or over one another.. everyone so consumed with their own tiny rock, that the stone that hit their friend isn't seen. 

Life sucks... my Uncle John, my mom's brother-in-law always says that if aliens did exist, they'd avoid earth like the plague. He thinks that if they're really out there... they all use us as an example of what not to do... and honestly.. who could blame them? Me? I'm hoping those aliens come and decide to relieve some of us. If you're reading this and decide you want to suck out my brain for scientific study.... put me to sleep first. Honestly, all you'll find is dysfunction. 

I told Andy today that the older I get, the more of a purist I become but I don't think that's the truth. I think the older I get, the more I want to define the chaos. I appreciate the grey less and less and scramble for more black and white. The problem is, nothing and no one has that luxury. We're all dysfunctional. The idea that anyone has a perfect life has us all deluded into the idea that we deserve one too. 

I don't know quite what to do with this...

because I feel I deserve one too...

karma should exist.

Life should give me what's mine already.

I'm tired of taking the b.s. 

I'm ready for the relief from reality.....

but it's not coming folks. 

Idealism would say that humanity will pull itself together,
 but that will take humans choosing to take a hit once and a while from a falling stone... to make sure their fellow humans were able to keep swimming. Unfortunately... that means taking that stone and letting it fall to the ground. It means taking the hand of the person next to you and moving forward. 

The way to cope with tragedy... is to move forward... always move forward.