A little bit of TMI.... don't read if you're... not into visuals.

Took a pregnancy test about a month ago. 

It said I was not pregnant and so, somewhat relieved,  I continued to live life as usual.

Andy and I were in the shower the other night. (showering pervs... we can catch up on life and get clean at the same time) I was washing my hair when Andy said, "Babe?"

The bottom of the shower was a dark red. It was everywhere. 

I hadn't had much pain because I had a random tooth pulled the other day.. you know.. happens to everyone right?... and have been taking prescription pain medication as needed. 

I didn't carry this creation to 39 weeks like my sweet, heartbroken, cousin Rachael. 

I didn't hug and kiss Andy over a plus sign on a urine stained piece of plastic. 

I didn't want anymore children. I'm rather selfish like that. I want some "me" time. 

Why am I so disconcerted? 

I think it is because I can feel Andy holding my hand as I'm pushing, 

whispering in my ear how beautiful I am. 

 I can see diapers and snuggles and tiny fingers. 

I smell baby skin and feel its softness against my cheek. 

I can feel the warmth in my heart, meeting the eyes of a new human. 

Feeling them against my chest, it's almost as if their energy is flowing into my body.

We are one, but we're separate. 

Andy and Eric took the kids to the Parade so I could rest. 

I think I'm going to take a nap before this family night and dream of sweet babies.

Existentialism .. Part I and Part II

Like usual, I'm supposed to be doing homework but I'm not. I'm kinda distracted.

Part 1 Why Andy Will Most Likely Have to File For Bankruptcy 

Andy's ex-wife has decided that, because she does not feel that she can trust Andy to pay the payments and essentially not do the same thing to her that she is currently doing to him, she would like to foreclose on the home. This "calculated risk" could cost us anywhere from 10-50k in losses depending on how much U.S. Bank is capable of selling it for. Everyone say a prayer. 

Well... what do I do now? We borrowed money to get into the home we were purchasing. Now that money is gone to Quicken and we won't be getting it back. My kids aren't sleeping well. I walk around my life like a zombie. School. Work. Sleep. 

I know this isn't the end of the world but I feel that my hope has been cut away from me with a knife... slowly and deliberately. Tonight as we talked, the nastiness that oozed from everyone made me ill... I almost got sick on her front porch. The utter lack of respect for everyone involved on everyone's part broke my heart. 

I felt like I was watching a movie... a movie where I essentially set Andy up to be insulted for no resolution and for no purpose other than clarification that he is.. essentially a piece of shit. The sheer idiocy of this situation makes me ill. 

Part II Pure Romance

I sell lubricants, lotions, lingerie and bedroom accessories and I'm damn proud of it.

Do I embarrass you?

The bible has a lot more kinky porn than anything Pure Romance has in it's books. 

 Do you value yourself and your sexual satisfaction? 

You should. It doesn't just exist to procreate.

 Marriages fall apart every day because of sex. Coming home every night to a partner who doesn't want you doesn't really make a man (or woman) want to stick around. Women need to be enabled and empowered.. and men need to feel safe in their relationships. I do both.

 I educate women who are confused about their private issues and act as a confidant for those with no idea who to talk to. I help them communicate their needs. I help them fight for the health of their relationship. Insult me under your breath if you want to, but I know that what I'm doing is something I can be proud of. Something that I'd willingly tell my grandma about.

God created sex. Thank you God! Pure Romance.... God's gift to relationships ;) 

You could sit with a few of your close friends, learn about new products and not have to leave your house. Everyone is different and because Pure Romance is incredibly passionate about respecting each individual's needs. 

We sell shave gel people. 

We sell vaginal dilators so it won't hurt you anymore.

We sell stimulants so you will not only want your husband,

but you'll enjoy it. 

We sell toys because sometimes it takes self-exploration to find out what you enjoy. 

We sell lubricants because everyone should use a lubricant. 

It prevents tearing and scar tissue. 

No one is born knowing everything about sex. 

You shouldn't have to watch porn to find out what you like.

I'm proud of what I do. I am trustworthy and hardworking. I love my family and I love my partner.  I don't want to sell kitchenware. I don't want to sell makeup. 

I want to help people with one of their most private struggles. 

I need to do some homework. 

I need to go sell some lube. 

Hey... y'all want some?

The Boiling Point

In case ya'll haven't figured it out, this ain't Sarah. This is Andy. I think that you should get a list of things that you should expect from my writing, and some things you should not expect. You should not expect a lot of eloquence from me, just not who I am. You should expect more explicitness. In general, my writing is not as good as Sarah's. I apologize in advance.

So, ya'll already know that we are not getting the house we wanted on Denny Street in High Point. Whereas Sarah gets sad at this fact, I have a very different emotion. If emotions had color....it would be red. I'm not talking about the lovey-dovey red either. For my part, buying that house, or trying to buy that house as it turns out, was without a doubt the most financially responsible thing that I have ever tried to do. Not only was it only $50,000, not only was it the right size for my family, not only was it endowed with a nice sized yard for mein Hund to run around and poop in, it was also an investment. It was an investment that I was looking to pay off in at least 10 years. I can tell you why in three words: High Point University. This college is expanding, and it's high dollar, AND its like literally right up the street as you can see in the map.

If this map doesn't enlarge when I'm done, here's the skinny:
the arrow on the left is where the house is. The arrow on the
right is the college. The arrow in the middle is a piece of land
the college is getting ready to develop. See where I'm going
here?

Even if they did not eventually expand more in that direction and offer to buy us out, hopefully for a larger sum than what we paid for the house, the uber-low price ensured a way early pay off. With that house paid off we could have rented it to rich college kids and basically had another income!!! Buuuuut.....water under the bridge I guess. Or as ole Clayton Beahn says "might as well try to put toothpaste back in the tube." Doesn't make me any less angry though. 

Soooooo.....limbo.......otherwise known as my parents place. God bless their souls. It's ok and really close to work, but we need our space, and they need theirs. I guess that families of yester-century used to live like this, and I'm all for having all my family under one roof where I can help them, they can help me, we can all help each other, but not in a 3 bedroom apartment. So we looked around for rentals in the area. We found one that was just freaking awesome but with one drawback: location. North of Greensboro. Too far away from work and everything that we want to be close to. This is where Sarah shows her true awesomeness.....with a little cajoling on my part. I started talking about the house that my ex-wife lived in. Good school for Haddie, close to her (Sarah) friends, the boys have friends in the neighborhood, I hardly lived in it with my ex-wife (at the most I stayed there for 1.5 weeks at a time), it'll save my credit, blah, blah, blah. She has agreed to, maybe not happily, but not too angrily either move into that house....and make it her own. Sounds too good to be true for me right? Well, it has conditions, none of which Sarah is demanding. First, the mortgage company is going to have to modify the loan to a payment we can afford. $1100 a month ain't gonna cut the cheese here. Second, and this is one I did not really see coming because of previous conversations, I have to convince my ex. Previously, when we were in the Denny Street home buying process, she suggested that we just move into the house in Thomasville. OF course we said no because we were of the impression that we were going to get a house, and what self respecting woman wants to live in her husband's ex-wife's house? Now that that deal has fallen through, after considering options, we have decided to do just that. Speaking of the Denny House falling through, is it just coincidence that my ex decides to quit making mortgage payments when we are in the middle of a home search/buying? I have my opinions, but I'll let you decide. She says it is indeed coincidence. Anywho....now she says that she doesn't want us to move into it unless we can get her name off of it because she does not want to be tied to me anymore. She told me, and I quote, "I would rather foreclose on that house and ruin both of our credit scores, than for my name to still be on it with you living in it." End f@#king quote. 

I know Mr. President, it doesn't make sense
to me either.

To top that, I submitted a work out package with the mortgage company on the 23rd of October. I have called my assigned "Relationship Manager" damn near every single day since then. He has yet to answer the phone. I leave messages asking that he call, or at least email, me. To no avail. Do these people want money or not?!?!?!? 

Andy gets angry.

Somethings I refuse to do:

1. Move my family into this house, and start paying what we can afford, before I have some reassurance that they're not just going to foreclose on it. Not that my ex will let me anyways.
2. Have them take my ex-wife's name off of the mortgage before I find out if they are going to make it to where I can afford it. If it goes under with my name on it, her's will be right there beside mine. 
3. Make any payment on a house that I am not living in and which default I'm not morally responsible for. 

Yes, I know I'm LEGALLY responsible. But dammit, There's principalities involved here Smokey!

So tomorrow I will call the mortgage company, again. And I'll probably have to leave another voice mail, again. But know this, every time I call them I will get a little more belligerent until I get some sort of result. Oh, and just so ya'll know, if you call my phone...you will be recorded. I have an app. I could say that it is for quality assurance and training purposes if that makes you feel better; but let's face it, it's for evidence. After dealing with these mortgage companies I want to be able to prove what I was told.

So there ya have it folks. There's an update from my perspective. Hopefully it'll be us that lets you know what happens next and not a story on the news of some perfectly normal couple suddenly breaking bad on some bankers!! (just kidding, maybe ;-) )