Thursday, December 26, 2013

Discussing Societal Conventions

Are you allowed to mourn ectopic pregnancies or are my hormones just ridiculous?

Augie is taking an unusually long nap today. Instead of taking a nap myself, like an intelligent person would do, I chose to watch The Other Woman on Netflix and spent approximately half of the one hour and thirty-five minute movie crying.  

Natalie Portman plays a lawyer in New York City who has an affair with a partner at her law firm and gets pregnant. They get married, she has the baby and the baby dies of SIDS three days later.

Most of the movie is spent examining the tension that exists within a blended family, which I guess I related to just fine.

The majority of the rest is quips, foreboding full lipped glances from Ms. Portman and the arguments between her and his ex-wife, which, I have to say, top anything that has gone down on my cell phone. Lisa Kudrow has come a long way from Friends and boy was she nasty. I kept thinking, "Well that's an illogical argument..."not the point Sarah. 

There was just enough shots of her with the baby to keep the knot in my chest churning ocular saline. Particularly the scene where she wakes up and her 3 day old daughter is dead. Even the dogs got uncomfortable. I watch these movies when Andy isn't here on purpose. 

Don't get me wrong. He'd be the dutiful pseudo-hubby. He would hold me... and then sigh while I cried, wondering when it would be over. 

So am I supposed to mourn this kid? The sappy doe-eyed "I'm sorry"s tell me it's socially acceptable, but at what point will folks begin to glance back and forth at one another and whisper, "It was just a fertilized egg in a tube... when is she going to get over this?" 

I decided it would have probably have been a boy. Andy's family always has boys. We should have lived about 200 -500 years ago. We could have been rich. Andy hates the idea of naming one of his kids Andrew but the name Andrew has pretty fantastic connotations for me. Strong, smart, capable, kind. Like something out of a book. I think he would have been a boy.... and so his name is Andrew. 

I guess it's not a secret after I tell you, but I secretly hoped they would let me keep him, or bury the 'embryo'. I know. I feel and sound like a sappy idiot, but laying it all out there has been therapeutic so far... right?
No nervous breakdowns as of yet.... but maybe that's just the pain medication I've been on since last Wednesday. We'll see. I've decided that although I've been told that I have a 2 week healing period, one seems to be enough lazing about for me. I feel like a sloth. 

So tomorrow, for the first time in a week, I will stop the pain meds, take my ADHD and antidepressant medications. I will put on some makeup and go to my Pure Romance show in Winston-Salem. 
I will smile... and I'll try not to produce full lipped pouts.. even if my lips are kinda chapped. 

Happy December 26th guys... just a few more days to a start of a New Year. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

We Wish You A Merry Christmas...

Christmas Time Is Here!!

Anymore, Christmas has seemed like just another day to me. 
A day full of expectations. Exhausting expectations. 
Thankfully, it has proven itself worthy once again. 

We had to wait until 8:30 to get the boys last night. 
I couldn't wait. I had the hot chocolate ready when they got here. 
The stockings were ready, presents wrapped and Augie had been kept from destroying the tree.
 I was really on my game this year. 

Preface: Cole has been asking me for mechanical pencils for months now. I had purchased some for myself for my math class in college and he had already been given a few, but I thought it would be cool to get him his own for his stocking. 

The boys opened their stockings first, sorta, and when Cole pulled out his mechanical pencils he gasped, looked directly at me with the cutest smile on his face and got up to give me a hug. 

I think that might have been the best gift I got this year. That, and when Cary was getting out of the van today, he said, "Bye Sarah, I love you." 

We gave the kids Kindle Fire's this year, which, of course, were a hit. The amount of silence in our home last night had Andy and I questioning if we had done the right thing. Thankfully a majority of the apps are educational??

Today, as we spent time that family that isn't blood related to me, I realized that I was breathing sighs of relief that I haven't had in a while. I'm beginning to belong. I love the hugs that Andy's niece, Emma gives me. They're so genuine and full of acceptance. Andy's brother sent us home with a bunch of grass fed beef, and a bottle of his moonshine.

The hardest part of the day was leaving and dropping the boys off with their mom. It's so quiet without Haddie here that Andy and I didn't know quite what to do with ourselves this afternoon. 
It's almost lonely. Blended/broken families are painful things but they're also beautiful and in my opinion somewhat magical. A group of individuals brought together through painful circumstances understands one another in ways that no one else can. We are so blessed.  

It is my wish that 2014 will bring love, hope, forgiveness, joy, peace, and understanding. 

Sometimes this blog can be an outlet for my self pity and frustrations and when I read back over the things I write, sometimes I feel like an idiot
but....
I appreciate the support I have received for my writing, verbally, not just on Facebook.
 I never knew this could be part of who I am. 

This past year has taught me that being concerned with your own needs is over rated. 
Learning to be happy with what you have and where you are is the key to success
and I am so very blessed. 

Happy Holidays my sweet friends, and a Happy New Year!!! 

xoxo Sarah


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

What Happened Next....

I'm currently reclining in my hospital bed in room 576 in High Point Regional Hospital feeling reasonably comfortable in comparison to this afternoon.

Let's catch you all up. 

Yesterday, Andy took me to High Point OBGYN to have a relatively painless shot stuck in my rear end. Part of me was sad, and part of me heaved a sigh of relief. Augie STILL isn't sleeping well... I was looking forward to getting sleep eventually and a baby wasn't going to provide that. 
It sounds ridiculous... but it's what I was thinking. 

He took me to Starbucks on our way home to make me feel better and then the nausea kicked in and I just wanted to sleep. I made it through a shower and then watched a movie on Netflix, promptly passing out and sleeping like the dead. 

I woke up exhausted like I hadn't slept a wink, took my Adderall for the first time since I had found out I was pregnant, and I had instant energy. I even made Haddie's class a really pretty fruit plate. 
I got home, got some work done for the first time in days, started cleaning up the house etc. I started getting nauseated between 10 and 12. The exhaustion came back around 1. 

I got back from getting Haddie and I was flat out dizzy. I was trying to clean the house to keep my mind off of it, because sitting there on the couch while Augie came up with new and creative ways to hit me, the television, the dogs, or Haddie with random elongated objects like cooking spoons, plastic bats, Millie's collar wasn't going to cut it. We call him Bam Bam. He doesn't understand that it hurts, because he's a behemoth and it doesn't hurt him. 

I kept having to stop and breathe to get rid of the nausea or dizziness. Around 3 o'clock I started seeing spots, things started to blacken and I knew what was happening. I quickly asked Haddie to get David(Andy's Dad) because "Mommy doesn't feel good.." and I woke up on the floor 45 minutes later to Andy making me get up, put on a jacket and sit in his mom's wheelchair. ... I felt totally lame. Almost 26 years old and riding in a wheelchair. 

Also, I realized I hadn't shaved my legs...  as Andy would say.. 'Momma always told me, no matter where you go... always wear clean underwear..'.. guess I should always shave my legs. 

He took me to Dr. Patel who had made an emergency appointment for me. He touched my belly a few times and when he saw me squirm and heard me yelp... told me that since the ultrasounds had been inconclusive,  he wanted to do a diagnostic laparoscopic  surgery to find out if the pregnancy had ruptured my fallopian tube. Less than two hours later, I was being rolled into the OR and breathing into a little mask. 

When I woke up, Andy informed me that the tube had ruptured and I had a belly full of blood. Gotta say, I didn't feel so lame anymore. I have an incision in my belly button where they had taken my gallbladder out, and a new one below my baby gut line. You moms know what I mean. After my gallbladder removal and this, I'm gonna look like I've been in a serious knife fight. Maybe I should tone up my tummy and wear belly shirts. Yeaaahhh boiiii. 

My right side feels a few ounces lighter because I'm down one fallopian tube, but that just makes me unique eh? heh heh. Sigh.  Oh and Dr. Patel is a cool guy. Slightly out of it due to pain, I asked, "So hey... ya think you could just tie my tubes up while you're in there?" He laughed at me and said, "Actually, no.. I wouldn't mind.. ya know... getting it all done in one go. But the state of North Carolina requires that we give 30 days notice before sterilization." I responded with a... "Well that blows.." and he said... "Basically. You'd have to come back in, like... a month and I'd have to open that same cut back up in your belly button and tie them then." 

Everyone here has been super sweet. I am my normal, sarcastic self, especially when I've had my medication recently. My nurse just forced me to drink an epic crap ton of water under threat of catheterization. She thought she was sooo smart. Well she was.. cause I did it. 

Ok. Now that this update is done, I can go watch Netflix. Sorry if you didn't get an individualized text. I'm pretty tired and this is the fastest way to get the info out to each of you. 

Big shout outs to my biffle Jennifer for dropping everything and just picking up my kids and bringing them home with her for the evening and my sweet friend Katie who canceled the playdate for our Mom's group so she could help me with Augie and Haddie for a few hours. You guys are... family and I am so grateful for you. 

Sleep good everybody!
xoxo
Sarah

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

So... what really happened was...

Alright so my last post was blah blah blah so depressed babies. Right?

Well I've gotta catch you up because turns out, no miscarriage. Worse. Tubal pregnancy. 

Happy Birthday to Andy... yesterday.. *singsong*...

That's right, folks! I'm expecting... well.. I'm expecting a shot in the rear end that will terminate the pregnancy. I say this rather light heartedly because I've already cried about it enough. Ask Andy. It's my blog and I'll be heartless if I want to. 

I went to the doctor a week ago to talk to them about getting my tubes tied. After I mentioned the possibility, the nurse walked in the room and handed her a piece of paper. The PA looked up at me and said, "Well .. I'd love to do that but it turns out you're pregnant." 

I kept swallowing so much that she asked me if was ok. My eyes must have been huge. Pelvic exam, inconclusive ultrasounds and blood tests. I haven't missed this. 

For the last week they've been drawing so much blood that my poor left arm refuses to give it up anymore. Today they had to switch to my right. They have been testing for rising hCG (pregnancy hormone) which they have gotten but not at the rate at which they'd like. It should be doubling every two days... and it has been a week and it has just now gotten to double what it was on Monday. 

This signifies a problem, I guess? More specifically, they say it signifies a tubal pregnancy that could destroy my ability to have children (which I was already kinda going for..) but it also has the possibility of killing me and they'd like to avoid surgery. I'm all about that. My last surgery was a nightmare. 

I'm pretty uncomfortable with this entire fiasco. 
I've always been pro-choice but termination has never been MY choice. 

Today, my doctor called it "treatment" for a "health problem" and although I found that rather crass, it was much easier to tolerate than the sympathetic sighs and big eyed glances that accompanied the nurse's slow spoken, "I'm so saahhray, (pause to glance at my name on the chart) Sare-uh."

So, in 20 minutes when Andy gets home from work, he's going to drive me to High Point OBGYN and the nurse who says she understands is going to give me one, or two shots of Methotrexate aka chemotherapy (my choice she says) in the rear end to dissolve this "health problem" in the fallopian tube before it destroys my reproductive system. 

Life's a bitch, man. There's really no other way to put that. 
Am I being a complete drama queen to say that I feel like Job? 

Yeah. I am. Sorry. 

There are people around the world dying from issues like this. 
There are women and children without homes. 
There are people who can't just take a nap in the middle of the day because they can't hold their eyes open. 

I'm lucky. I'm blessed. 
I've got it really, really good. 
I've just got to tell myself that for the next week or so while I'm getting more blood tests done to make sure they got the sucker (ugh.. I want to vomit..) and possibly getting another shot. 

This year, I want to figure out what alternatives I could have had... since I didn't educate myself before now, and it's now too late to wait. Average ectopic pregnancy ruptures at 6 weeks. 

Moral of the story? I'm never taking birth control again.
Getting my tubes tied. Andy's getting snipped and that's that. 
Hormone based birth control blows. 

Like my friend Karol says.... I just lay it all out there... Here it is. *sigh*
Love y'all. 


Sunday, December 8, 2013

Wrote A Paper about ADHD Diagnosis in Children...

Preface: Just thought I'd share it because it was an interesting subject. I know there's a lot of passionate folks out there, but this isn't cause for conflict. Simply wanted to share what I found out...

I usually lose points for grammar. Sorry grammar Nazi's...

This is written based on a specific rubric so if it's not as fluid, that's why.


The Current Standards for Diagnosis and Medicinal Treatment of ADHD Must be Reevaluated

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau practically suggests a seemingly unachievable solution to a problem many parents have struggled with for years. How does one approach the needs of a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD? Ensuring that a child is emotionally stable early, is imperative for the welfare of society, but a lack of definitive research on the subject of ADHD should make parents hesitant to accept the first diagnosis, and more specifically, whether or not to give their child medications in response.
 
     Appreciation for the medicinal treatment of ADHD is growing in popularity and for good reason. One can find story after story told by adults who struggled with undiagnosed ADHD I and II as a child. These narratives are filled with frustration, educational failures, disastrous relationships, and often drug abuse (Wanner). A common answer to behavioral problems associated with this disease, and one that has not proven effective, is severe discipline. Juliet Pia, a mother of a young child with ADHD said, “These methods would work temporarily, but nothing had a lasting effect- her brains and body were just moving too fast…. Since I couldn’t sit in the classroom with her all day long, nursery school was just a horror.” Because of this, many researchers are pointing to stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin. Thanks to new screening programs, and advances in psychiatric research, millions of children and adults are finding relief through these pharmaceutical options and often behavioral therapy. For some, these advances are a relief to a life time of pain. For many, medications are financially, the only treatment option due to health care costs (Marsa). Despite the positive impact, the inability to achieve a clear diagnosis for this disorder has some concerned that instead of lack of acknowledgment, the negative effect of medications due to over diagnosis could now be the bigger issue. 

     The United States uses 80 percent of the world’s Ritalin, a stimulant used to treat hyperactivity. According to Linda Marsa, a teacher and investigative journalist from Los Angeles, prescriptions of the drug “for preschoolers rose 49 percent from 2000 to 2003. This is especially sobering in view of the fact that Ritalin is not even approved for use in children under six [years of age]” (Marsa). Rising national education standards have limited the time that adolescents are allowed to expel their large amounts of inherent energy. This often leads to inattentiveness, hyperactivity and other disciplinary problems. A child’s teacher is usually one of the first to notice these traits. Unfortunately, due to the large numbers of students per classroom, the child is often labeled a nuisance and handed to school administrators and eventually their parents to be dealt with.  Due to these symptoms being difficult to differentiate from lack of exercise, disciplinary needs, and other mental health issues, many specialists suggest mandatory mental health screenings for school age children. Nathaniel S. Lehrmn, clinical director of Kingsboro Psychiatric Center in Brooklyn asks a thought-provoking question, “What is this mental illness for which we are now screening? Years ago, the term ‘mental illness’ referred only to the insane: people with bizarre ideas who were unable to function socially….. The term has been expanded to include increasingly more of the thousand natural ills to which the flesh is heir,” (Lehrman). 
     
     Standards for ADHD diagnosis have been created by the American Academy of Pediatrics but these evaluations can cost exorbitant amounts of money if the individual, or more specifically their parent, does not have adequate insurance. Federal law states that the schools have to provide free evaluations for these individuals as well as classes to facilitate their needs (Marsa). Mental health screenings are often a generic group of questions that allow little to no flexibility for those being evaluated. Schools regularly administer computer based assessments with either yes, or no as optional responses (Lehrman). To effectively diagnose ADHD, several hours of evaluation with a licensed psychologist are needed, but it is common for insurance companies to encourage doctors to restrain from giving referrals to specialists. This makes it cheaper for most primary care physicians to medicate a child instead of encouraging behavior modifications, like therapy (Marsa). Many parents happily agree to continue, noticing an obvious change in their child’s behavior after administering the stimulants but, as many college students can attest, these medications increase the focus and motivation of anyone who takes them. Unfortunately, this does not mean that the root of the problem has been addressed. 

     Multiple issues can present symptoms similar to those of ADHD, including learning disabilities, impaired vision, problems at home, and hyperthyroidism. Parents should consider medications the last resort when treating their child’s ADHD. Prior to administering possibly harmful stimulants, resources such as behavioral therapy, setting goals, teaching the child organizational skills and time management should be attempted. “Children with ADHD need consistent rules. a high degree of daily structure and stern consequences for misbehavior,” explains Marsa.  The need for hesitancy when using medications is due to the side effects often encountered in children. These include sleeplessness, lack of appetite, and sometimes depression.  Many experience what Marsa calls a, “rebound effect”, meaning that when their medication wears off, they become irritable and their symptoms come back. Specialists do not advise allowing children to take the prescriptions without reassessing their need for it regularly. Most encourage parents to occasionally try taking their child off of the drug for a short period of time yearly, under a doctors supervision (Marsa).

     For a child with severe ADHD, medications can have an overwhelmingly positive impact on his or her life. For a child who is misdiagnosed, medicinal dependency and insufficient treatment of the underlying issues can lead to more substantial problems as they age. It is a parent’s responsibility to recognize this need, and go above and beyond, making attempts to find alternatives to legal addictive stimulants. Many are discouraged by his or her child’s march to a different drum, often taking responsibility. For these parents to instead, attempt to find the child’s rhythm, would help to mould an adult who, despite his or her differences, has a well developed sense of self esteem and is capable of functioning without fear of failure. 

Annotated Bibliography

Briggs, Rahil. "Mental Health Screening for Kids: Column". USA Today. Gannett Company. 31 January, 2013. Web. 6 November 2013
Rahil Briggs is an assistant professor of Pediatrics who teaches at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. USA Today is a nationally published magazine so he is writing a public interest piece prompted by his work with children at the Children’s Hospital at Montefiore. He discusses the idea that although mental health screenings aren’t necessarily refined enough, he feels it is it important nonetheless, because of issues like the Newtown massacre. His opinion is based on his experience as a doctor.
Brigg’s main argument is that gun control is not enough to rid our country of severely violent acts like what happened at Newtown and Columbine. He feels that mental health screenings for each child are imperative and should be part of the enrollment process for school. I think that this article provides one explanation as to why so many children are given tests for things like ADHD. Societal focus on mental health has increased due to education but also because so many negative things have happened recently due to lack of attentiveness towards those struggling with mental health issues.

“Eleven Percent of U.S. Children Ages 4-17 diagnosed with ADHD.” United Press International. UPI, 24 Nov 2013. Web. 24 Nov 2013.

United Press International is a 106 year old company that licenses content directly media outlets, and businesses as well as governments and researchers around the world. As a news publication, their focus group would be a broad as possible.  It points out the alarming number of children currently taking medications for ADHD and explains the nature of ADHD and the effects of treatment.

Lehrman, Nathaniel S. "Mental Health Screenings in Schools Can Harm Children." Mental Illness. Ed. Roman Espejo. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2012. Opposing Viewpoints. Rpt. from "The Dangers of Mental Health Screening." Journal of American Physicians and Surgeons (Fall 2006). Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 10 Nov. 2013.

Nathaniel Lehrman is the the clinical director of Kingsboro Psychiatric Center in Brooklyn, New York and an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the State University of New York. This article was written for the Journal of American Physicians and Surgeons, so he is writing to fellow academics and colleagues. His opinion is based on his experience in the field of psychiatry. He feels that mental health screenings can misdiagnose children who are suffering from unfortunate life circumstances, not struggling with mental illness.
Lehrman states several cases where children and teenagers were misdiagnosed and whose situations actually declined due to their being medicated. He points out that not every person is mental ill, it has been “expanded to include increasingly more of the thousand naturals ills to which the flesh is heir.” or it has been used as an excuse for every persons flaws. Schools make more money when kids have disabilities and for a while ADHD was classified as a disability so people could get disability benefits for it! This article provides a lot of useful facts that outline a majority of my opinion. It takes more than a simple screening to diagnose someone with a life changing disease.

Marsa, Linda. "ADHD Drugs Are Overprescribed for Children." Are Americans Overmedicated? Ed. Tamara Thompson. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2011. At Issue. Rpt. from "Is ADHD Getting Out of Control?" Ladies Home Journal(Apr. 2005). Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 10 Nov. 2013. 

Linda Marsa is a journalist from Los Angeles who teaches medicine, science and health. She is writing for the readers of Ladies Home Journal. She feels that ADHD symptoms can be indicative of other issues and that simply handing a child stimulants and other powerful medications used to treat ADHD is “Bad medicine”.  I assume that her writing is based on experiences that she has had while teaching.
She states a large amount of statistics about Ritalin prescriptions for preschoolers and 2-4 year olds, assuming that the majority of audience members will be shocked because Ritalin is not approved for use in children under the age of 6. No one knows exactly what ADHD or how it should be treated. She feels that because “diagnosis is a judgement call” many doctors aren’t taking enough time to establish a relationship with a child before handing them medication. She discusses alternative methods to treat hyperactivity, the difficulty involved in diagnosing ADHD and the guidelines for the American Academy of Pediatrics.  Marsa sheds light on how ADHD diagnosis has gotten out of control and needs to be studied further. She also talks about the negative affects of misdiagnosis in children which is a logical reason to reconsider over diagnosis.

Wanner, John. "Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Face Serious Challenges." Behavioral Disorders. Ed. Louise I. Gerdes. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2010. Opposing Viewpoints. Rpt. from "Addressing Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults." The Journal of Employee Assistance 37 (Oct. 2007): 27-28. Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 17 Nov. 2013
John Wanner is an Employee Assistance Program consultant who suffers from ADD. In this article he tells about his personal struggle with ADD and not realizing he had it until he was an adult. He believes that it effected many parts of his life, specifically the education and professional aspects. He talks about how many people with ADD have suffered through bad relationships, and used drugs, as well as dealt with a lot of emotional issues because of self esteem. His “angle of vision” is based on the fact that he, himself has been diagnosed with ADD (ADHD inactive).

His main idea is that it takes some adults many years to realize that there could be a reason behind the majority of their life’s issues. He is passionate about changing the lives of others suffering with ADD/ADHD. This is a personal experience that provides some insight into those actually suffering with the disease. This will be part of my argument that although ADHD IS over diagnosed, completely disregarding mental health screenings would be counter productive. The key is to provide more detailed one-on-one screenings that last longer .