Vulnerability

One of my lamest qualities is that I DVR Criminal Minds, a television show about FBI Behavioral Analysts and profilers. They address a lot of psychology and I find it fascinating.

Today they featured a quote by one of my favorite authors of all time, Madeleine L'Engle. 

"When we were children, we used to think that when we we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable."

Vulnerability is everywhere. As adults we have made strides to harden ourselves. Vulnerability comes from genuinely feeling. Children are a prime example. They are sensitive. Their bodies may be tough, but their hearts are breakable. 

My biggest area of vulnerability is trust. I do not trust individuals to genuinely care. I assume that each person has maintained a connection with me based on some level of convenience for them. I like to be needed. It means that people don't leave. My biggest fear is being useless and alone.

It all sounds silly and over dramatic when I put it like that. Putting words to genuine emotion usually does. If you think about it, you can probably tell what your spouse's or parent's areas of vulnerability are. How intensely they react when those buttons are pushed. Negative reactions based on fear of vulnerability. 

Something that we must realize is, we are all vulnerable. It is human nature. Some take medications to treat their fear of vulnerability. Some get in shape so they can fight off their rapist every single day. Some always have the newest cars, the best houses so they can make sure their children never have to suffer with the embarrassment they did. Some look at the world and just feel overwhelmed. "I am only one person," they say to themselves, "How do I protect the ones I love from this pain?" 

The answer? We can't. We can try and fight. Shield. Control. Make smart choices. Beat everyone out of our lives except who we deem as "safe".. but it doesn't work. To live this way is to perpetuate our fears. We keep them in front of us. We make ourselves miserable. Ulcers.. anxiety attacks.. separation from the world... but all of that doesn't work! We still experience pain. We are all still vulnerable. 

"The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it,  or to escape what is bad in it.... but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."

-Wendell Berry

As a mother, many of my decisions have been based on a fear of having my children experience what I have. I scare myself. I don't want them to be broken by me, but that fear does almost as much damage. I have to choose daily to admit my lack of perfection, to admit my vulnerability and to show love and compassion to my children. To help them up when they fall, even though I told them 4 times to NOT JUMP ON MY BED.... I hug them and I kiss their bruises. 

Admitting vulnerability means that you're free to love. 

The opposite of love is fear. 

The opposite of happiness is fear.

The opposite of living is dying.

Don't be afraid. Accept your flaws. 

Do your best to improve upon them, and live just live. 

Life in abundance.