Are you allowed to mourn ectopic pregnancies or are my hormones just ridiculous?
Augie is taking an unusually long nap today. Instead of taking a nap myself, like an intelligent person would do, I chose to watch The Other Woman on Netflix and spent approximately half of the one hour and thirty-five minute movie crying.
Natalie Portman plays a lawyer in New York City who has an affair with a partner at her law firm and gets pregnant. They get married, she has the baby and the baby dies of SIDS three days later.
Most of the movie is spent examining the tension that exists within a blended family, which I guess I related to just fine.
The majority of the rest is quips, foreboding full lipped glances from Ms. Portman and the arguments between her and his ex-wife, which, I have to say, top anything that has gone down on my cell phone. Lisa Kudrow has come a long way from Friends and boy was she nasty. I kept thinking, "Well that's an illogical argument..."not the point Sarah.
There was just enough shots of her with the baby to keep the knot in my chest churning ocular saline. Particularly the scene where she wakes up and her 3 day old daughter is dead. Even the dogs got uncomfortable. I watch these movies when Andy isn't here on purpose.
Don't get me wrong. He'd be the dutiful pseudo-hubby. He would hold me... and then sigh while I cried, wondering when it would be over.
So am I supposed to mourn this kid? The sappy doe-eyed "I'm sorry"s tell me it's socially acceptable, but at what point will folks begin to glance back and forth at one another and whisper, "It was just a fertilized egg in a tube... when is she going to get over this?"
I decided it would have probably have been a boy. Andy's family always has boys. We should have lived about 200 -500 years ago. We could have been rich. Andy hates the idea of naming one of his kids Andrew but the name Andrew has pretty fantastic connotations for me. Strong, smart, capable, kind. Like something out of a book. I think he would have been a boy.... and so his name is Andrew.
I guess it's not a secret after I tell you, but I secretly hoped they would let me keep him, or bury the 'embryo'. I know. I feel and sound like a sappy idiot, but laying it all out there has been therapeutic so far... right?
No nervous breakdowns as of yet.... but maybe that's just the pain medication I've been on since last Wednesday. We'll see. I've decided that although I've been told that I have a 2 week healing period, one seems to be enough lazing about for me. I feel like a sloth.
So tomorrow, for the first time in a week, I will stop the pain meds, take my ADHD and antidepressant medications. I will put on some makeup and go to my Pure Romance show in Winston-Salem.
I will smile... and I'll try not to produce full lipped pouts.. even if my lips are kinda chapped.
Happy December 26th guys... just a few more days to a start of a New Year.
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